RP log: Shinji and Kippei

[kementur.livejournal.com]

Date: Current, immediately after the previous log
Rating: PG
Summary: Kippei comes home after his meeting with Blackguard, and Shinji asks too many questions.


Relieved and a bit more focused, now that he had a mission, Kippei pushed it all carefully to the back of his mind and stopped thinking about it. Tomorrow he would go looking for the plans Blackguard had told him about. Tonight, he was going to hope that Shinji wouldn't ask him any questions.

He entered their room slightly less tense than he had left it, and spotted Shinji still sitting at the desk, apparently absorbed in what he was doing. Good. Relieved and feeling a bit calmer just seeing Shinji there, he made his way across the room toward his bed, restraining the impulse to go over and wrap around Shinji and distract him. Badly as he wanted, even needed the contact right now, he didn't feel like calling attention to the fact that he'd been out.

Pulling a random book off the shelf on his way over, he stretched out on the bed, kicking off his shoes and pretending to read it. This lack of control was really getting to him, and he felt like he was going to snap if he didn't do something with the power that was straining his control, seeming ever closer to breaking him when it finally lashed out. It was hard to concentrate, certainly impossible to read, but that was all the better since the chaos in his mind made it easier to not think, and therefore not give Shinji anything to read off of him. He laid there and just watched Shinji, trying not to be too obvious about it, letting the familiar presence try to calm the stormy feeling inside of him.

Kippei seemed strange. Not just because he was plotting missions behind Shinji's back, it was totally different to that. Shinji waited for him to say something or hell even just think something, but there was nothing. Eventually Shinji peeked curiously over his shoulder, seeing Kippei on the bed, a book in his hands that he wasn't reading. Frowning, Shinji got up slowly, wandering over while he tried to focus on the lower functioning of Kippei's brain, but it was all scattered, and not at all what Shinji was accustomed to. He sat carefully on the side of the bed and though he wanted to hit him and yell at him for even thinking of a mission alone, Shinji instead stroked his cheek, a little worried.

"Are you okay?"

Kippei sighed, further relieved by the gentle touch on his face, and rolled over on his back, smiling up at Shinji as he relaxed a little more. He hummed softly, a wordless sound that was not really an answer, turning his face into Shinji's hand and reaching out his own to rest on Shinji's arm. Touching, just... anchoring somehow and he'd never figured out why Shinji made him feel like this but god he needed it right now. It still wasn't quite enough, he still felt tense and strained somewhere deep inside, but it was so much better.

"M'fine," he asserted in a lazy tone, an absent reassurance as he shifted onto his side, attempting to curl around Shinji where he sat. He was so close already but Kippei felt like he needed to be closer, somehow. The swirling restlessness rose and ebbed again as he settled against Shinji and closed his eyes, focusing on the light touch of Shinji's hand. Anchored, just barely.

Still odd, and the way Kippei was curling around his knees...Shinji frowned harder, reaching out and heaving Kippei into his lap, fingers threading into his hair while he curled around Kippei, closing around him and nuzzling a little against his cheek. He wasn't fine, but that was okay because Shinji had him and would keep him safe. Still, he couldn't help asking, a bit of bite to his voice.

"Did you enjoy your walk?"

Kippei wasn't listening, wasn't thinking, didn't want to talk right now about anything. His feelings in the last couple of days had gotten harder and harder to control or ignore or even to sort out, and what he felt around Shinji counteracted it to a point, and that was really all he could focus on at the moment. Some kind of calm center, a port in the storm that never really went away, but it was quiet now, muted by Shinji's presence.

"Mmmm," he murmured, which might have been an agreement or it might not, if Shinji had asked a question. It had sounded like a question. But Shinji's fingers were in his hair and he was nuzzling, Kippei was surrounded by Shinji and it was for the moment, a blessed relief.

Ignoring him, and still not thinking anything except 'relief'. That didnt sound okay at all, and Shinji hugged him closer, a little scared. Kippei seemed battered, but there wasnt a bruise on him. Shinji wanted to tell him not to go on that stupid mission, or make him not go or something, but maybe he needed to? Still, Shinji didn't like it one bit. Didn't like how loose Kippei felt. He kissed him, on the cheek, on the forehead, the temple, his nose, his mouth, any place he could reach trying to make Kippei feel better.

"You didn't bring back any books."

The words somehow made it past the fragile peace Kippei had let Shinji wrap around his senses, and he frowned. Books? Right, library. Disturbed, he drew away from Shinji a little, trying to collect his scattered thoughts enough to form an answer. Tension seeped back into his muscles, along with the sense of pressure barely contained.

"No, I didn't," he said shortly, frowning as he tried to find a vague explanation for this. "I didn't...find anything I needed," he added haltingly after a moment, which was so far from the truth that it bothered him, the restless feeling surging up and chasing away the sense of peace, even with Shinji still holding him; the feathery kisses on his skin seemed faraway, like leaves blowing in a gale. Why did Shinji have to want to talk? Kippei just wanted to curl up with him and rest for awhile, but he couldn't as long as Shinji was questioning, 'listening' at him and wanting him to talk about things.

Liar. Shinji just stared, uncomprehending. Kippei just...lied to him! That was new. Sure people had lied to him before but not Kippei. Lying to Shinji was stupid and pointless. Even if he hadn't known what he was lying about he would have known it was a lie as soon as he said it, because Kippei knew it was a lie. And why was Kippei having so much trouble concentrating on things?

"There's something wrong with you." It wasnt until he said it that he realised it was true, and damn near panicked. Something was wrong with Kippei. "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know!" The sudden flare of uncontrolled anger, surprised out of Kippei by the unexpected question, faded quickly, followed by guilt and fear and misery. He didn't know what was wrong, but it hurt and he hated it and he'd just lied to Shinji, and he'd promised he never would. It made him sick, sick to his stomach and he hated himself for the inability to hide his growing frustrations or the way he'd chosen to deal with them.

"I don't know," he repeated softly, turning away from Shinji and curling in on himself, drawing up his knees and tucking his head down in a futile effort to lock down the familiar controls that usually kept him from this chaotic storm of repressed energy that needed somewhere to go. He wasn't sure which was more painful, trying to keep that slipping grip on himself and his powers, or the sick slicing knife of agony that was knowing he'd just broken the trust of the one person that meant anything to him.

Weird. Kippei, for once, was acting weird. Shinji let him move, but he didn't like that Kippei moved away from him. He glared darkly to no avail since Kippei wasn't looking at him. He was too busy mentally scolding himself. Annoyed, and wanting to help Kippei, Shinji figured to hell with it and he gathered all his strength and yanked hard on Kippei, slamming him onto his back and straddling his hips quickly, leaning down to lie against him, leaning on his elbows and kissing Kippei, hard and fast.

"You dont have to know because you have me. We'll fix it together. We fix everything together, remember?"

Too shocked to respond at first, Kippei let Shinji kiss him, his hands moving hesitantly to settle on Shinji's hips. Hesitantly because he was suddenly terrified, and yet needing desperately to hold on. Terrified because what if it wasn't true this time, what if it couldn't be fixed? What if Shinji never trusted him again, what if he never could because Kippei was going to break apart and hurt him over and over and it would be better if he lost Shinji before he hurt him, but he was selfish enough to want to hang on to him desperately and try not to lose him.

"I'm sorry," he managed, forcing the words out through the emotions that were choking him. "I'm sorry." So fucking sorry, god I don't deserve you but I need you so much please never leave, please... Kissing him back, just as hard and fiercely, hungry, Kippei wished like hell that he knew what was wrong and how to fix it. Before Shinji got hurt.

This was so damn weird. Shinji had the odd urge to cry, but he didn't, just staring at dark eyes desperate for a hold on reality. He pushed harder, wrapping tighter around Kippei, just holding him. Words weren't doing the job.

I'm sorry, I didn't notice...I should have noticed. It's okay Baby, I'm not leaving ever, and you deserve anything you want, even if its just me. You're not going to hurt me, Kippei, its okay. I love you. God, do something! Shinji struggled to control his own growing sense of panic. Something was really wrong with Kippei...Taking a deep breath, Shinji made a quiet wish for Kippei not to hate him, then grabbed hold of every scattered shred of thought and smothered it, clamping down on Kippei's control triggers himself, quietly pleased how organised Kippei kept his brain. He took control, reinforcing Kippei's thoughts, snatching away the fraying mess and replacing it with a net of calm and containment. It wouldnt hold out for long, but it might last a few hours at least, until Shinji got too tired to maintain the constant stream of subconciousness. It's okay beautiful.

Kippei froze, wide-eyed, his gaze fixed on Shinji like some kind of salvation as his brain quieted like someone had thrown a switch, his control suddenly slipped into place, right where it should be and he almost wanted to cry with relief. Ohgod. Shinji. Did he ever doubt he needed this, he would have to be a bloody fool.

He lifted a shaking hand to bury it in Shinji's hair, holding him tightly and just breathing. No more pressure, no more pain, no more energy fighting to burst out of him and no more threat of hurting the one thing he loved most in the world. Hell, in the entire universe. He squeezed his eyes shut and hung on to Shinji like a drowning man, unable now to form words or even coherent thoughts, but so damn grateful for the ceasing of the roar inside his mind. There was only Shinji.

Mmm that was much better. All that attention on him again. Shinji realised that was a little selfish, but he never wanted Kippei to forget that he belonged to him. Inordinately pleased with himself, Shinji held on and stroked the smooth skin at the back of Kippei's neck, soothing. He loosened his hold on Kippei enough to allow him complete control of surface thoughts, but didnt let go of the clamp he had on all subconcious thought. It was sort of strange...he'd never taken this hard of a hold over Kippei before. He could kill him....but he knew he wouldn't. Couldn't.

Say you love me. Shinji thought he was entitled to the small smirk on his face.

"I love you," Kippei echoed, the words soft, immediate and fervent. I love you more than anything. He knew, somehow he'd known from the moment he'd met Shinji that no one else was ever going to fit so perfectly into that empty space inside of him, the place that needed someone to hold onto forever. Shinji filled him up and centered him and kept him from losing his mind, and even when Kippei himself couldn't keep the danger he was capable of from threatening the one he loved, Shinji could. Shinji was amazing and strong and beautiful and no one else could ever be as perfect for Kippei. You are everything.

"I love you," Shinji agreed, his smirk transforming into a delighted smile. He supposed Kippei could pretend to have his little secrets, since he still loved Shinji more than anything. He liked being everything, for Kippei. For anyone else it would be bad, and messy and way more than he could handle but with Kippei it was fun and perfect and just what he wanted. Shinji kissed the relieved lips, reminding Kippei what it felt like and enjoying it himself.

"I love you more than everything."