Log: Saeki, Oshitari

[saeki-siberian.livejournal.com]

When: A few days after Saeki gets back from the AU. (Yes, I know this is backdated like whoa. I'm sorry. T_T)
Rating: NC-17 (... it's with Oshitari.)
Summary: Sex. Saeki says this is not to be mentioned--he's unlikely to have told Kamio. (Though Kamio's sure to have guessed if the way Saeki walked for a while was anything like how the experience was. XD) Saeki also says this will NOT be repeated. Oh, sure, okay, they talked and were a little possessive too. Saeki has AU-memories angst, Oshitari has losing-a-loved-one-AGAIN angst.


Yuushi rolled on the bed, sated and calm, now draped over the lax body of his missing lover. After an energetic and frenzied night the day Koujirou had returned, Akira had left them alone, claiming that he needed a short vacation from the insanity.

Between Koujirou's strange explanations about where he'd been and Yuushi's own behaviour when their transmorph lover had gone missing, he wasn't sure which one of them Akira had been referring to.

Suffice to say, Akira had decided to lock them both in the bedroom for awhile. Not that he was complaining at the moment.

Saeki was warm and content. There was someone over him, and he felt the languid calm of the morning-afters he so often felt when home with Yuushi and Akira. He stirred, hoping the dream would continue--he didn't want it to end.

Wait--

--wasn't it real?

There was an Akira who turned away, who avoided him, who moved away when he got close. Then there had been an Akira under him last night. And there was a Yuushi with a spark in his eyes, a Yuushi with a father, a Yuushi who killed his father. A Yuushi who had pressed him against a wall, and a Yuushi who had last night been pressed under him too.

What was real, and what wasn't?

Whoever was snuggled against him, however, was warm and soft. Maybe Yuushi--the figure felt taller. Saeki recalled being pressed against a wall and kissed. Which Yuushi was this? Both? Neither? It _was_ Yuushi, right? He was home now, back, and Akira hadn't pushed him away, had instead met him with concern-rimmed eyes, followed closely by Yuushi ... right? And Ryou hadn't drawn a knife on him ...

... right?

Moving a little, Saeki opened his eyes. Just to make sure.

And found Yuushi's dark eyes staring back at him from under a fall of long midnight blue hair. The illusionist rested his chin on Koujirou's chest, his arms draped lazily in front of him. He might have been a bit tired still, but his eyes were as piercing and direct as ever, going over every detail of his lover's face with an excrutiating intentness.

This was his Koujirou, of that he had no doubt. But his feline lover had been missing for months...and now that he wasn't as blinded by relief and the eruption of passion that had occurred since Saeki's reapperance, he could now search for any signs that something had changed in his lover in his absence.

After all, there had been changes in him...but he was loathe to admit to any of the strange dreams he'd been having. Already he was having inclinations of cuddling with Koujirou rather than seducing him into another round...and that was very unlike him. It bothered him as well, but he shoved it aside to concentrate on his boyfriend.

After a long pause in which he nuzzled the other's chest with his chin, Yuushi very slowly slid his hand back across the broad span of flesh underneath him. He stroked the tanned skin of Saeki's chest lovingly at first, then, without warning, dug his nails in and drug them across, leaving faint white lines in the other's flesh.

"Koujirou", he intoned simply, a smirk on his lips.

Saeki grimaced a little at first (having nails dug into oneself unexpectedly was always a surprise), but didn't budge otherwise except to tighten his arms around Yuushi.

"Yeah, babe. Right here. I'm not going anywhere," Saeki said. Whether that was to Yuushi or himself wasn't quite clear.

Yuushi's smirk slipped into a sharp frown. "I've heard that before." Fingers crept up to curl around the ends of Saeki's hair, tugging once, lifting the feline mutant's face just a bit to reveal his neck.

Sliding his lips over chest and up the neck, Yuushi's tongue flicked out, trailing along Saeki's jawline. "I'm quite tempted to plant tracking devices in all of us. I suspected everyone of taking you..." And he had, at some point. Everyone had been suspect, save Akira, who had had to force him to see reason.

He didn't care for looking back to just how out of control he'd been, how mad and desperate and fearful he'd grown over those few months.

"If it would have worked to bring me back to you two, I would gladly allow you to collar me," Saeki muttered. He'd been close to giving up and accepting the new world, some days, but somehow he had managed to scrape by and survive. Coming back to a Yuushi who was sharper around the edges--they had a HISTORY--and to an Akira who still accepted his presence ...

... it had been relief beyond measure.

"Yuushi," Saeki said, closing his eyes, "Make me yours, dammit, yours and Akira's. Mark me so no one else takes a second look, babe, because some days I want to do the same to you."

That sounded very romantic to Yuushi's ears. Not to mention stupid and about the last thing he'd do unless he was under an intense feeling of possessiveness.

Then again...it probably wasn't the last thing he would do...

Propping himself up on an elbow next to Saeki's head, he looked down at the other and lazily stroked a finger across his lover's chin. "A rather impulsive request. You don't feel we've marked you enough on your soul, Koujirou?" He studied the planes and lines of the others face, as always, admiring what he saw. "I doubt any sort of mutilation would diminish your looks anyway. Second looks are nothing if you do not look back."

"Why do I love you even when you're not taking me seriously?" Saeki asked, deliberately forcing playfulness into his voice. He knew Yuushi was studying him; he studied back, noting the disheveled sweep of Yuushi's hair (Saeki reached up to run his fingers through it), the tilt of Yuushi's chin (fingers stroked it), and meeting the gaze of Yuushi's (warm now, but Saeki had seen it when it was cold hard stone) beautiful eyes with his own.

He had left the other two behind in a world that no longer made sense, and he wondered if they would ever make sense. In fact ... would the rest of his life ever make sense? Two lovers here for him, two could-have-beens over there. Even if you took Saeki away from every single universe ... Yuushi and Akira would have each other. That used to be a comfort--in case anything ever happened to him; he knew life was cruel--but now ...

For a sudden chilling moment, Saeki felt isolated from the world.

He shook his head, instead choosing to dig his fingers into Yuushi's arm. "Perhaps I should be marking you, Yuu?" he asked, gripping tightly.

The change in mood seemed to come over Saeki quickly that Yuushi would have been taken aback by it had he not been studying his lover so intently. But the intensity of the other's demeanor and the bite of nails into his arm warned him that whatever it was Saeki was feeling at this moment, it was with dead seriousness.

His eyes narrowed slightly. Something was amiss. While his Koujirou sometimes had his moments of possessiveness and philosophical commentary, this was very much different. "Perhaps I am missing something...but mark me if it will make you feel better, Koujirou."

Now that it was offered ... Saeki didn't want it.

Frustrated, he growled, shifting to turn. "It's okay, Yuu. I was just asking."

This moodiness of Saeki's was getting irritating, and fast. Yuushi stopped his turn by planting either hand on the side of his lover's face, staring directly down at him.

"Apparently I am missing something. Perhaps you would like to share?" His eyes followed the others, not letting them go. He hadn't a clue what it was they were now subtly circling each other about, but he would cut down to the root of it if he had to.

Well, Yuushi had asked. "That's just it, I share," Saeki said, snarling, baring his teeth at his lover. "Every single Yuushi and every single Akira."

As intelligent and intuitive as Yuushi was, the answer threw him completely off. What in the hell was that supposed to mean? "You certainly do not share us...we are yours." But as soon as the words left his lips, he thought he might have gotten a slight idea.

"You are not speaking of only Akira and I, are you?"

Sometimes Yuushi was a little scary with how quickly he understood. Saeki nodded. "The alternate universe I was in ... I was dead," he said. "You and Akira didn't need me." How many other universes were there like this, he wondered?

"Of course not. You belong to us." So this was an existensial search for meaning. Yuushi might have expected this, had he given any more thought to the fact that Koujirou had been involved in proving that there were indeed other worlds and dimensions existing.

He hadn't though. Nor had he thought about how it must have affected his lover. He attempted now to be more understanding...Koujirou was obviously upset. "A world without you would have to adjust, yes. Perhaps there is another world where I am dead, and you and Akira have no need of me. Or yet another where we have no Akira. Now that alternate realities have been proven, the possibilities are literally endless. It's even possible that in some world, the three of us cannot stand each other, possibly hate one another enough to kill the other two." He paused to drop a lingering kiss onto Saeki's lips. "There may be many Saeki Koujirous in the universe, millions of them...but Akira and I only need you. You are ours."

Saeki kissed back, reaching up to pull Yuushi down tightly when it was done. "You're a romantic idiot, Yuushi," Saeki said gruffly, if only so Yuushi wouldn't hear how his throat had suddenly tightened. He kissed Yuushi again, suddenly all-too-aware of how much he had missed them--both Yuushi and Akira--and how he loved them.

"And you are far to young to have a mid-life cr--" Yuushi's retort was cut short by Saeki's lips reclaiming his, pulling his mind away momentarily from wondering what brought all this about...

They kissed a while. Saeki made no move to deepen it for now--he was content just to be there with Yuushi.

After all, who knew whether Yuushi would still want him afterwards? Though ... if Yuushi wanted to be angry, Saeki would allow it--he hadn't pushed the other Yuushi away. "You always kiss the same way," Saeki said.

"Is that some sort of subtle way of telling me I need a new technique?" Yuushi's eyebrow rose, though his mouth kept nibbling here and there along Saeki's lips. "Or were you sampling other versions of me behind my back?"

Saeki couldn't think of any way to say it, and now he was regretting opening his mouth in the first place. "Babe, you know I love you, you and Akira." Just say it, coward. "I would never go looking elsewhere." Confess.

"I tried to stop him, but I missed you ..." No, you idiot, not like that! But it was too late now, the words out of his mouth.

There was a long, very silent pause. Yuushi found himself torn between two very strong reactions to that last bit. The first was to squeeze every detail out of his lover, and then kill him. The second was to rationalize what obviously had happened, deducing that Koujirou meant something had happened with his other self, and let it go. Forgiving it.

Unfortunately, the first impulse won out, and he bit the lip just below his, drawing blood, eyes flashing between hot and cold. "How far? Just how far did you dare go with some inferior copy of me!" A hand returned to twine in silvery white locks, yanking sharply now in his anger.

That hurt, but Saeki didn't complain, welcoming the pain. He deserved it, every last whimper. "Kissed," he said, the confession whispered. "I didn't want to hurt you or Kira. Or the other Akira."

"And you couldn't hold yourself back for a pitiful three months away from us?" Yuushi's snarl was cruel, and intentionally meant to cut deep. But reason and its damned logical sense was already creeping into his mind, parroting facts and psychological factors that started to deflate his ire.

Rolling off the bed, he tried to hold onto that anger, righteous indignation and possessive jealously that it was. He stalked to the door, momentarily forgetting that it was locked, and jiggled it uselessly. With no other outlet short of strangling Saeki with his bare hands, he began to paw through Akira's drawer, looking for one of his redhaired lovers' knives. Once his hand curled around the handle of one, however, he calmed himself.

After embedding it so deeply into the wall that it stuck.

He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Of course. Of course my other self would be as attracted to you. And you, with no way of knowing if you'd ever get back to us, were vulnerable to his advancements." He said it so mechanically he could nearly taste metal in his mouth. But when he turned back to Saeki his eyes were calm once more, forgiving in the face of cold logic.

"I missed you after three seconds," Saeki said hotly. "My first thought when I found myself there was of you, both of you. Every waking moment and all of my dreams were of you, babe. Three months was torture."

Yes, but that Yuushi had not left Saeki with no choice. It had been Saeki's choice not to push away that last time, Saeki's choice to give in and take what had been offered.

Now here was his Yuushi, hurt and angry, and it was Saeki's fault for forcing matters where there hadn't needed to be anything. He could see the calm in Yuushi's eyes, but he could also see the hard edge, the same one that drove Kira's knife so deeply into the wall it would take a while to pull it out again.

"Punish me," Saeki said. "If that will atone for it, hurt me." He wasn't sure which of them would need it more.


It was tempting. Damn tempting. So much so that Yuushi could practically feel the imprint of his lovers face on the back of his hand.

But it wasn't what he needed. What he needed was to completely obliterate the other Yuushi from his Koujirou's mind. To erase any memory of that damn kiss, however it had happened.

To reclaim what was his. His and Akira's.

He had a far better idea.

Stalking back to the bed, he snatched Saeki's arm and yanked him up until the other stood. He noted the passivity immediately--oh, so the tiger expected to be attacked and welcomed it? Without a word, Yuushi propelled him to the opposite wall, shoving him up against it and following instantly after, throwing himself into a hard, passionate and overly possessive kiss.

If Saeki didn't understand what was about to happen, it likely became clear when Yuushi nudged his legs apart with a knee and reached a hand behind him to run a finger down his crack, rubbing insistently against his ass.

At first he had expected to be slapped, or even used for knife-throwing practice, but when Yuushi kissed him like _that_, it was all Saeki could do to keep himself from grabbing Yuushi and tossing him onto the bed again. He kissed back, desperately, welcoming the bruising pressure of Yuushi's kisses and kissing back fiercely.

This was HIS Yuushi, and Yuushi was his. Saeki growled in his throat, fingers grabbing the other as he felt Yuushi's leg press between his own and work a hand between Saeki and the wall. If this was what Yuushi wanted, then Saeki would do it.

This was a first, and Yuushi would be privately chagrined later that he gave no thought to lubrication. But Saeki wasn't fighting him, and the need to claim him in the most ageless and stupidly male way was strong enough to see Yuushi through it. So it was with very little finesse or patience that he lifted one of Saeki's legs around him and thrust into him after very little preperation. He felt the slight resistance, the stiffness and continued anyway.

He needed this. The Saeki Koujirou of this world was HIS!

The pain was unexpected and caused Saeki to clench as his entire body stiffened, unused to the violation--and dammit, Yuushi hadn't used any lube--and instinctively rejecting it. What had he been thinking, agreeing to this, Saeki wondered? "Yuu--"

The protest died in his throat as Yuushi pushed in further. Saeki hissed and then growled, nails digging into Yuushi. Dammit, he'd agreed, and he owed Yuushi ... but that HURT.

Some part of Yuushi knew that he wanted Saeki to feel the pain, but already he was activating his power, soothing over that strong connection he had with his lover in his mind. And he made the pain fade a bit. Meanwhile his hands were busy, touching every secret, pleasurable spot he knew of on Saeki's body, mouth latching on to suck at the juncture of his neck as he continued to thrust into him.

It had hurt ... it wasn't hurting so much, now. Saeki knew Yuushi had done something--he had to have--but he didn't really care right now, considering what other things Yuushi was also doing.

A memory like Yuushi's was lethal, Saeki privately thought as he moaned, Yuushi's fingers and mouth seeking out every single place on him that needed to be touched the most. Perhaps later he would regret this, but for now, Saeki decided, it was all right to let Yuushi take the lead, and satisfy himself that Saeki was Yuushi's just as Yuushi was his. This certainly wasn't something Saeki thought he might like to do every day, but Yuushi seemed to be enjoying it. Yuushi's mouth sucked on Saeki's neck again, just _there_, and Saeki moaned, back arching a little.

Saeki's rear felt full, too full. Yuushi was pushing in and out of it, and it seemed as if it was getting easier. Which meant, Saeki surmised, it would be easier to control his own body now. Gritting his teeth (he was almost certain this would hurt if Yuushi withdrew his powers), Saeki tensed, doing his best to clench around Yuushi.

Saeki was already tight...tight enough that Yuushi knew his lover was going to be glaring at him later when he couldn't move. Imagine, Saeki Koujirou...a virgin.

At the same time, Saeki's muscles were squeezing and clenching him, making it difficult not to groan out his name. It also undermined his stamina.

"Kou--" The rest of Saeki's name was strangled in his throat as he unexpectedly climaxed, fisting a hand tightly in his lover's hair. A last shuddering moan finished in Saeki's mouth as he captured his lips again.

Surprising wasn't the word for it, and he sank against Saeki for a moment, pressing him further into the wall.

What ... that was it? The thought emerged before he could help it, and Saeki squeezed his eyes shut, thankful his lover wasn't emphatic and couldn't read the thought. Was it like this for Yuushi and Akira? He'd have to make it up to them, then. But at that moment, Yuushi was pressed against him, breathing hard, pressing against Saeki, holding him close ...

Saeki felt warmth stirring in his heart, and he leaned forward, nuzzling Yuushi. Reaching up, he ran fingers through Yuushi's blue hair, stroking, and his arms wrapped around Yuushi's body, feeling it heave lightly.

He didn't like this, but maybe it wasn't so bad. Once in a blue moon. VERY rarely.

Moaning a little at the fingers in his hair, Yuushi pressed his face into Saeki's neck, gradually coming back to himself, breathing in his lover's smell.

It was rare, so very rare that Yuushi ever let his guards drop. There was a wall, always a wall between himself and his emotions, even between himself and his lovers. And though he recognized it in himself as the need to control, it was something so ingrained in himself that he likely would never be a very open person.

So when Saeki's arms came around him, and all the feelings and emotions from the past few months came flooding in, he immediately tried to hold it back, to shove it away and ignore it. But there was a crack now, just a sliver of a crack in his wall, and his whisper into Saeki's ear was not only full of every emotion he'd felt in his absence, but also the words that he never quite said enough to either of them.

"I'm sorry...I love you..." The words were rippled through Saeki's brain, Yuushi's power still enveloping his mind enough to slip in the audial illusion.

Saeki dipped his head a little, feeling suddenly adrift on a sea of whirling emotions. "I know, babe," Saeki said, and he stroked Yuushi's back. He held Yuushi even as Yuushi held him up.

It was a while before Yuushi could control himself enough to pull away slightly, a little of the sharpness returning to his eyes despite his lethargy.

"Can you stand, Koujirou?" he murmured, feel a distinct loss just moving out of Saeki's arms, and distracted by the strange feeling that something had altered inside of him. Something that had to do with Saeki himself.

In order to ignore those feelings, he satisfied himself that his lover was all right despite his rough treatment, and moved along the wall back to Akira's knife, still embedded in the wall. The redhead would have a fit, he knew, and his hand curled around the handle, attempting to yank it out.

Whether due to his tiredness or that he simply wasn't strong enough, the knife held fast, obviously stuck through a supporting beam in the wall. He tugged and pulled, shifting to use both hands, but it only barely budged, staying fast.

"How ironic..." he muttered and tipped his head to the side to raise an eyebrow at Saeki. "You would not happen to have another secret you wish to divulge that would enable me to pull this out, would you?" His tone was laced with sarcasm, but the effect was moreso aimed at himself.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Saeki said. He was pretty sure he could stand--it didn't hurt all that much, though he did feel a little stiff. Yuushi pulled out, but Saeki continued to lean against the wall, more out of balance considerations than exhaustion--it did seem a little difficult to stand properly for the time being.

He felt something trickle down his leg. Oh, of course. It had to go somewhere. He didn't really like the feeling of something trickling down his legs, though, and he moved, pushing himself off the wall. Walking was a little more awkward right now, but it wasn't too bad.

Yuushi was tugging at the knife stuck in the wall, and Saeki chuckled. "Kira won't be happy, babe." Better to preserve harmony where possible. He walked (stiffly) over to the knife, laying a hand on Yuushi's hands wrapped around the handle. "Let me do it. Don't hurt yourself."

When Yuushi let go, Saeki tugged, but the knife was embedded rather deeply. However ... he worked it back and forth, see-sawing it from side to side, and back to forth. The hole in the wall was going to get a little bigger, but with luck, no one would notice it until it could be fixed up. Of course, Yuushi would probably arrange to do that ... somehow.

Except that Yuushi was looking at his handiwork curiously, slipping an arm around Saeki's neck as he studied it over his lover's shoulder. "Mm...I think I like it. It has a sort of 'don't ever do that again' feel to it, don't you think?" His arm tightened around Saeki possesively for a moment before relaxing.

Dropping a kiss onto the other mutant's neck, he drew away, taking Saeki's hand and pulling him back to the bed. "Lie down", he murmured, making sure the other was now comfortable. He took care of the mess he'd made of his lover with a handtowel that was nearby, and dropped several biting, nibbling kisses along Saeki's stomach as he did so.

"Sounds like what Kira's going to say to you when he sees that and finds out who did it," Saeki replied, but he let Yuushi draw him back to the bed, depositing the knife on the table as he did so. They'd put it away later.

Normally Saeki would have flipped Yuushi over and demanded he be allowed to return the favor, but ... right now he didn't quite feel like that. He wondered why--was it the knife? the experience? Wasn't the pain, since there wasn't any, but bugger if he could get any urge to do some thrusting right now. He let Yuushi clean him off, though he didn't stop watching him, and when Yuushi was done, Saeki reached out. "Come here," Saeki said.

He got a raised eyebrow at the command, before Yuushi was curious enough to be distracted away from his loosely figured plans of absolving his lack of thought by treating Saeki to a blowjob.

"Yes?", he purred softly, resting his chin on his crossed arms that he laid over Saeki's chest. "Did my simpering excuse for a double come running whenever you beckoned?", he mocked, a smirk twisting his lips up as his eyes showed Saeki how darkly amused he was, now that he was beyond the intitial rage and violence.

Even as he reached a hand up to stroke Yuushi's hair, Saeki made a dismissive noise and covered his eyes with his other arm. *We didn't do anything," he said with a soft sigh that was more affectionate exasperation than anything else. "Heat of the moment, separation anxiety, I dunno. He kissed me, and I kissed back, and that was it. The only reason I even gave in was because I missed you so much, Yuu. Other than that, I kept my distance, even when I knew he was coming on to me. I swear, luv."

Saeki hoped Yuushi believed it. He wasn't sure if he himself did, because beyond that ... his memory was fuzzy.

With Saeki's vision blocked, Yuushi indulged in a moment of pressing into the other's touch, letting his eyes close on a mixture of relief and lingering melancholy. The whole time Saeki had been missing, he'd felt such panic and pain...nothing had been safe. Even retreating into Akira's arms...he'd felt their vulnerability.

If he were as smart in his own emotional battles as he was talking it out with anyone else, he would buckle down and work on this deep-rooted dependance on his lovers. It was a crutch, and the worst possible kind. The kind that was dangerous and led to weaknesses that could be exploited.

Also, there was now this feeling in Yuushi. A soft feeling that was foreign to him, but didn't exactly feel so. His arms uncrossed and slid around his lover, an embrace of sorts, and his head lowered until it lay on Saeki's chest. He listened to his heartbeat.

"Forgiven. All of it...it doesn't matter. You are here." He let out a shaky, wavering breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob and immediately pressed a hand across his mouth, suprised and unnerved by it.

It didn't slip past Saeki's notice. "Yuu?" he asked, concerned. He gently nudged Yuushi, continuing to stroke him. Something told Saeki's instincts there might be a need to press further.

"...I'm fine." It sounded rough and unsure coming out of Yuushi's mouth, and more than muffled since he didn't exactly trust himself if he pulled his hand completely away. He wasn't crying. But the threat was there and it appalled him. He pulled away and sat up, sure that the lack of physical contact would help him regain his balance.

Yuushi was moving away from him, and he certainly didn't sound fine. Saeki pushed himself up. "Yuu," he said quietly, "Don't go. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but don't go." Not that Saeki didn't want to talk, but if Yuushi was going to leave, Saeki would keep quiet instead. Anything for his lover's company. It wasn't something he wanted to abandon voluntarily.

"Give me a moment..." Yuushi murmured and silently breathed deeply and let it out. He would be all right...so long as Koujirou didn't touch him right now. The feeling would pass and he'd be normal once again.

Saeki heeded his lover's request, but he watched Yuushi closely. Yuushi looked very troubled. "Babe," Saeki began, "don't hold it in." He stretched out his arm and stroked Yuushi's thigh.

"Don't!" Yuushi's hand moved of its own accord, slapping Saeki away harshly. But the damage had been done. Yuushi's stomach turned and clenched; his face contorted and crumbled by increments and he turned away quickly as a hideous noise tore out of his throat.

Saeki's first reaction was that he'd hurt Yuushi, and he pulled back quickly, but no, a glance told him it wasn't it. Another glance in the next moment, and then Saeki said, "To hell with not touching."

He gathered Yuushi in his arms, pulling him close tightly, ignoring Yuushi's protests for now. If he hurt Yuushi ...

There was only a token protest, a uselessly weak fist that glanced off of saeki's chest, and Yuushi was pressed against his lover's broad chest. He clung, and despised himself bitterly for his weakness.

"Don't...please..." His eyes burned and he clenched them shut, shuddering hard as more torturous sounds escaped him. Burying his face into Saeki's shoulder, he let loose a scream. And then the tears came, seeping through his clenched eyelids like raindrops through cracks in the cement. Every bit of his grief and shared anguish with Akira that he had kept buried deep down for three months came bubbling up, a horrible volcano of emotion that he'd attempted to vent through rage.

"Stop...stop leaving me", he somehow managed between bone-wracking sobs that left him shaking and clinging tighter. "I can't...I can't stand it anymore...no..."

It hadn't been Saeki's wish to leave, either, but now wasn't the time to press the issue. Saeki nuzzled Yuushi, murmuring softly, nonsense words that he meant to comfort Yuushi with. "I'm here. I'm here. I don't want to leave, and if I can, I'm not going to, babe. I can't promise freak accidents like that won't happen, but I'll always be back, you know it."

Saeki's attempts at comforting were only making it worse, and Yuushi had no idea why. It was as if every bit of tenderness and concern Saeki gave him was making him sicker to his stomach. Was it guilt? Embarrassment? Shame? He was too emotionally destroyed at the moment to even attempt psychoanalyzing himself.

Trying to suck the flood back, he tensed and dug fingernails into Saeki's shoulders. Through clenched teeth he ordered his lover. "Shut up!" The battle went on for long stretches, between Yuushi's attempts to stop by regulating his breathing and breaking down into fresh bouts of humiliating sobbing. Finally, he was just too exhausted to do either, and slumped bonelessly against his boyfriend, numb and feeling irritatingly fragile.

"Damn you", he croaked hoarsely, cradled and nearly unable to move voluntarily. "Damn you both...I can't keep losing you. Akira. I won't." At that he pulled back his face enough to look up into Saeki's eyes, his own red, bloodshot and grimly resolved.

When Saeki met Yuushi's eyes, he was met with pain and determination. Yuushi was damning him with his words and damning him in a different way with his eyes. Wordlessly, Saeki bent down, and kissed him, carefully and yet hungrily, demanding yet caring, even as his arms tightened further around Yuushi. Let Yuushi wriggle and squirm if he must. Saeki needed to make sure Yuushi was Yuushi, right here and right now, and only Yuushi kissed like this. Any Yuushi, every Yuushi.

They were his. All of them. This one especially. And he belonged to this one. He didn't know how to articulate how he felt--burning and possessive and yet expansive, wanting to give, wanting to get, wanting to take take take and yet give everything back tenfold. Yuushi was the clever one with words. All Saeki could do was kiss, and kiss, and kiss, hoping somehow, somewhere ... Yuushi might understand.