Log - Oshitari and Shishido

[feathered-fiend.livejournal.com]

Date: First night Shishido's out of the medlab. (Monday night - 23rd maybe?)
Rating: PG
Summary: Oshitari finally gets a clue and confronts Shishido to ask if he still loves him.



Yuushi was nervous, walking back into Shishido's room with Ryou standing guard at the door. After talking with Akira, he came to realize that everyone seemed to know things about his best friend that just hadn't occurred to him.
 
So many things made sense now...the constant physical affection that he'd passed off as Shishido just being friendly. Always changing the subject when Kamio came up in conversation. Always that annoyed look whenever their meetings got cut short on account of Akira or the twins. The flirting, the touching...the refusal to tell him even a hint of who it was he was in love with. That wasn't like Shishido to be that secretive with him.
 
So many little things...and he still hoped that he was wrong. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he greeted his friend with a small smile. "You're looking better everyday. Now, where are these brownies  you tempted me with?"

Still tired from the move, though Shishido would never admit it, he didn't notice anything wrong with Yuushi and just smiled at the mention of the bribe of brownies. "I think Ryou put them in that box." He shifted slightly to his side to be able to point more. He had sprawled on to his bed shortly after returning to his apartment, even if he liked to think he was on his way to being healed he had to admit, although reluctantly, that the medlab might be right when they told him he'd have to take things easy still.
 
Though to be fair he hadn't expected it to take so long to get from the medlab to here. Not only did he have to move at a slow walk instead of fly, his friends had been carrying a few boxes for him too. There hadn't been a ton of things to move from the medlab back to his room, but he'd certainly collected more things than he had first thought. Not that he was complaining about the cards, sweets or other objects even if it was going to clutter his room until he had a chance to organize everything properly. Maybe he could con someone in to doing it for him.
 
"Wanna grab me one too? Shiiba's brownies are practically addictive."

Handing the avian mutant one, Yuushi took another for himself. But rather than eat it, he just held it in his hand, searching for a way to broach the subject delicately. Then, as he absently brushed crumbs from the brownie Shishido was eating off of the other's leg, he blushed faintly, drawing his hand back, and realized that this was Shishido. His best friend, sometimes even moreso than Fuji, or Akira or the twins.
 
And that subtlety wasn't exactly something his friend understood.
 
"I have something to ask you. You promised to give me an honest answer", he began, shifting so that he was facing the other fully. Taking a slow breath, he looked Shishido in the eye and just said it.
 
"Ryou, are you in love with me?"

Shishido hummed lightly at the brief friendly contact and nodded slightly, he'd already promised Yuushi to give him an honest answer, he hardly had to bring it up again. Though he really didn't see why his friend doubted he would get anything less than him unless he was beginning to doubt the accuracy of his reports. And that was just stupid. His thoughts still on that, he ended up being completely blindsided by the question. Carefully swallowing with some effort so as not to choke or appear ruffled by it, though there was little he could do about actual ruffling, he looked over at Oshitari and tried to gage the level of his seriousness. Maybe he could pretend to misunderstand the question? He liked that idea.
 
"You're my best friend, of course I love you. Were you afraid I couldn't love two best friends at the same time? Shuusuke will laugh at you when he hears that one." And if his voice sounded slightly strained, well he had been through a lot in the last week and maybe he could blame it on that.

The illusionist frowned and leaned forward just a bit, dropping his voice. "That", he said, "was not what I meant, and you know it."
 
Just the fact that Shishido was deliberately trying to evade the question made Yuushi that much more determined to have his answer. And dread it that much more.
 
Turning Shishido's face back to meet his with fingers curled around the other's chin, he asked again. "Are you in love with me?"

Shishido frowned as he was forced to look at Oshitari, he had never been good at lying or evading topics he didn't want to talk about and it was even more difficult when he was forced to look in to the midnight blue eyes of his bonded. Damn it, why did he have to ask this now when his defences were still down from his accident? He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before training his eyes back on Yuushi's face.
 
"Does it matter? You love Kamio, you shouldn't worry what someone else feels." It was another evasion, but it was also a warning, giving his friend a chance to rescind his question and back down now before he found out things that he didn't want to know. The winged mutant was torn whether he wanted Oshitari to find or not. Maybe if he knew he would make more time for him, return affection and feelings as well, but there was the more likely chance that it would just hurt and conflict his friend and he never wanted that.

Yuushi almost took the chance offered him to drop the entire subject. It was one of those moments, he knew, that would change everything if the question was answered.
 
But then...Shishido had already answered it to a point, hadn't he? It was left up to him whether to ignore it or press the point. It was so incredibly tempting to just let everything hang, to go back to obliviousness and enjoy their friendship without any worries.
 
Except...he couldn't do that either, could he? Now that his eyes were finally open, he could see things in Shishido that he hadn't before, things that the other had been so careful and skillful in hiding from him. The longing, the pain, the resolution...
 
Damning himself, his fingers moved to stroke Shishido's hair in that soft, slow way he once had when the other had shared his bed, when Shishido had slept easily and so much less had been expected of them.
 
"Ryou." He dropped his voice, hearing it in his own ears as a whisper already knowing and pained. "Please tell me. I won't stop asking until you do. Are you in love with me?"

Shishido's defences crumbled more under the soft petting of his hair, he didn't realize he missed so much until it was back again. There was a soft hum that wanted to escape, but the pain of having to share this burden with Oshitari stopped it. The fingers from his good arm clung to the sheets of the bed as he took a deep breath, wishing that at this last moment Yuushi would change his mind.
 
"Yes" He finally spoke when the silence became unbearable. He raised blue moist eyes to lock on to Yuushi's daring him to say something, to act, to still accept him as a friend despite this. It changed nothing if he didn't want it to.

For a few long, agonizing moments, Yuushi was frozen. Even his hand stilled, fingers twined around strands of silken brown hair.
 
It was one thing to know the answer. It was another thing entirely to know.
 
It was that fearful look in Shishido's eyes though, that shook him out of it, and he carefully pulled the injured mutant into his arms. He didn't say anything, not yet. Everything that sprang to his tongue sounded so cliche, so...meaningless and empty inside his own head.
 
And it was obvious Shishido likely already knew his answer. Finally, he was able to murmur into his friend's hair. "Nothing's changed. I promise."

Shishido released the breath that he had been holding as he was held in Oshitari's arms. It wasn't the most comfortable hug he'd ever been in given his recent injuries but it was one of the most meaningful. "Thank you, it'd be too hard to lose you as a friend as well." He mumbled in to his friend's shirt. He had a feeling that things between them might be a bit tense and awkward until they found that balance between knowledge and practice but he would work hard to show Yuushi that nothing would change because of his awareness of his feelings. Yes, a good chunk of him was screaming for Yuushi to want things to change, for him to swoop down and kiss him, to hold him to let him know that he cared about him like that too but unless there was any indication of that being true, he would be only a friend just like he had been since Oshitari had met Kamio Akira.

"I feel the same way", Yuushi told him, rubbing Shishido's lower back a little before drawing away slightly. He smiled, trying to think positively about this. "It'll fade", he tried to reassure his friend. "You'll meet someone else and you'll see. Your feelings will change, and we'll just be the best of friends again with nothing to worry about."

"No... they won't." Shishido knew the words were foolish before they left his mouth, but he couldn't stop them. Besides, if Yuushi came her for truths he wouldn't do him the disservice of letting him leave here believing that someone else would come along and win his heart. If that were the case he could have probably found true love with Fuji, or even risk seeing if there was more than friendship and fucking between him and Kite. "If my feelings were going to fade they would have already... it doesn't work that way." He fought all the time against his bird natured mutation and while he could hold it off for a bit or act against here and there it would inevitably make him crave so desperately for some of Yuushi's attention that nothing else would matter. He hated how week and helpless he felt during those times, but he could never hate Yuushi for being his bonded or for loving someone else as long as he was happy. He hoped this new information wouldn't tarnish the happiness he shared with Kamio, no matter how much he envied it.

Yuushi was again confused. "What...what do you mean, Ryou? What doesn't work that way?" Shishido was making it sound as if he had no choice but to stay in love with him. A little part of him was a bit offended by that idea, but he was moreso worried about it than anything.
 
And Shishido looked positively miserable. That concerned him even more.

Shishido gave a defeated half smile, "I'm an aviation mutation, some birds mate for life." He pointed out whistfully, he imagined that would be a great feeling if the person he was bonded to mated for life with him. But he was essentially humans and so were his lovers and well, humans had a tendancy to not mate for life. So his two natures warred with each other and collided often but the truth was, he couldn't shake the longing to be with Yuushi no matter how hard he fought against it. He knew even without the bond that he would still love him on some level, more like the best friends that shared a steamy past they were supposed to be but the bond kept that love and desire burning strong within him. And it was nothing he could blame his friend for and while it was unkind to shove any responsibility to him, he had the right to know  now that he'd noticed.

The implications of that sunk in quickly, and Yuushi drew in a sharp intake of air. "But...that would mean that you'll have these feelings forever? Shouldn't I feel the same if we're bonded?" He understood about birds mating for life, but the idea of Shishido...well, the reality of it all was eluding him. He knew he sounded foolish just asking all of the questions he was, but his mind currently couldn't wrap around it. "What does this mean, Ryou?"

"It means we were lovers and now we're friends." Shishido said plainly having long ago accepted this fate though he did wish sometimes that Oshitari would come back to being his lover.
 
Oh, he knew that his friend had deep feelings for him, they had shared too much in the couple years they've known each other for their not to be, but they weren't the same he shared with Kamio, or even with this newcomer Saeki if his friend's assessment of his emotions were to be believed. He would also never admit how much it stung to be longing for more than friendship for so long and then have some random guy show up and get it so easily. But that wasn't the issue at hand and wouldn't help with anything right now if it were brought up.
 
"And I gues since you're not part bird the bond doesn't resound in you the same it does in me. But it's there, and while I can ignore it and go against it for a bit, it never goes away." It was amazing how interesting his cast had become just then, the random stars, signatures and drawings on it. It was a lot easier to look at then his friend just then, he was sure Yuushi was smart enough to put the longing of his bond together with the times where he just had to be with his friend. This was so painful and uncool feeling.

This was so much worse than he'd imagined. At worst, he'd believed that Shishido might have rejected their friendship if he didn't return his feelings. At worse, he'd feared that his best friend might have asked him to leave Akira.
 
He had never imagined this. And what was truly worse, was that he couldn't think of a thing to help Shishido. He stroked the other's hair back, laying his cheek on Shishido's bent head. It was as much comfort as he could give with the other's injuries. "You've been hiding this a long time, haven't you?" It was just now dawning on Yuushi the extent of this. "Since...when we were together? I'm so sorry, Ryou...this must have been so painful for you. But, why did you never tell me?"

Shishido shrugged, careful not to jar any injuries nor dislodge Oshitari, "By the time I figured out what it was you were already with Kamio. You were," He paused and swallowed, "are happy with him. I didn't want to be a burden." And that was the painful truth, he didn't want to make his bonded upset even if it meant taking on extra pain for himsef. Though it wasn't like he didn't have people to help him cope. He hadn't suffered alone and even being friends with Yuushi and getting those brief hours with him a week were often enough to lighten his heart.

"This doesn't make you a burden" Yuushi was quick to correct him. He might have still been inwardly reeling a bit from all the surprising revelations, but he couldn't see himself regarding Shishido as anything near a burden. "All of the burden has been on you. It...it probably wouldn't have changed anything between Akira and I, but you could have told me. I would have understood. I feel like I've been very cruel to you without knowing it. I would have liked to have been aware...as it seems everyone else around us has been." Yes, he could now see that there'd been numerous hints, not just from Shishido, but from others about this. Fuji, for one, and Akira and the twins had already admitted having an idea about Shishido's feelings for him.
 
"I'm sorry, Ryou. What can I do to help?"

"You're too nice a guy for me not to be a burden Yuushi, and I didn't - don't want to come between your happiness with Kamio." But he did, if Yuushi offered to date him to love him to cheat on Kamio he would agree in a heartbeat, though it wasn't like any of those things were likely. "And you've never been cruel to me, besides I wanted you to be in the dark. Guess I just wasn't so good at hiding it from everyone." He'd told Fuji about it, he had to tell someone for fear of exploding with emotions but he should have realized that the eyes of Oshitari's constant bodyguards would have caught on to the signs and worked harder to shield himself.
 
At the apology he just remained quiet, he didn't want Oshitari's pity, but he was so tempted to ask for a kiss for physical contact, for anything he'd be willing to give. But he never wanted to put Oshitari in the position where he had to choose between two people he cared for and what was right and wrong. Well most of him didn't want to put him in that position and he just hoped that remained the stronger part.

Yuushi was quiet for a few minutes, absently stroking Shishido's hair. He hadn't thought knowing all of this would be so very painful. And deep down, he was angry at his inability to do anything. He tried to imagine what it would be like to love Akira and be forever bonded to him, but to watch him fall in love with another and only see him as a friend.
 
The resulting twist in his heart almost made him gasp, and he shut his eyes quickly as they teared up. He would not cry and alarm Shishido. He had been cruel. Unintentionally, and certainly unwillingly, but he had.
 
"I'm sure...in some other world we are the most perfect of couples", he murmured as lightheartedly as he could.

Shishido didn't know what was going through his friend's mind but he could feel the tenseness and the emotions rolling off of him. It made him want to pull Yuushi in to a comforting embrace and tell him everything would be all right. "Yuushi, I'll be fine, I'm strong and stubborn. And you'll be fine too because you have someone you love who loves you back."  He moved to wrap his good arm around Yuushi in a comforting embrace. Knowing that Oshitari knew was a new torture to him in this moment. It would be so easy to move his face a few inches and kiss him, before he would use the excuse that he had to pretend they were only friends to hide behind. While they were still friends, his love was known, surely Yuushi wouldn't hold it against him if he just wanted a brief taste to savour. He licked his lips and all of his good intentions and thoughts of Kamio faded as his mouth slowly began to move towards Yuushi's.

With his eyes closed still, Yuushi saw none of this, only nodded at Shishido's words and tried, without much luck, to believe them. When the other mutant's lips suddenly fell on his, his eyes snapped open. His first impulse was to freeze and then jerk away. But his newfound guilt and pain allowed Shishido to do what he wanted. A kiss wouldn't hurt...before he'd known, Yuushi had often hugged and kissed Shishido in a friendly manner, as much as for joking as it was for affection. And slowly, slowly, he kissed back just a little, trying to communicate his understanding to Shishido somehow with his acquienscence.

When he wasn't pushed away, Shishido felt a thrill of delight go through him but it was quickly replaced by an ache in his chest. He was nowhere near the romantic that Yuushi was but even he could tell a kiss given out of love, lust and desire and one given out of duty. Eventually he could take no more of it and gave up trying to tempt his friend in to a proper kiss and ripped his mouth away. He brought a hand up to his eyes surprised to find tears clinging there and quickly looked away. "Sorry." He muttered. But as bittersweet as that kiss had been at least now he knew, his feelings really did change nothing for his friend. He might let him get away with things like that but he didn't want it and he thought that might be crueler than not kissing him at all.

There wasn't much to say after that. Yuushi felt horribly awkward and stared blankly down at the bed for a long moment. Still in shock, his mind couldn't even begin to process any possibilities to fix this...mess.
 
Finally, slowly, he drew Shishido back into his arms, shifting enough so that they could embrace comfortably. His hand stroked the other mutant's long hair as he tried to think of something, anything to say. For the longest time, nothing came, and they sat in silence.
 
"If it could be fixed, you would have done so already", he reasoned quietly when he could. "And I can't think of anything that would affect the nature of  your mutation. But...being close helps a little, doesn't it?" He thought back to all the times Shishido had insisted on visiting, or just shown up out of the blue just to give him 'friendly' hugs. This wasn't a problem to be solved by disappearing from his friend's life, and he cursed himself mentally for even allowing the idea to pass through his head.

"I'm sorry." Shishido whispered again as he moved his arms to wrap around Yuushi to return the hug, ignoring any pain from his body in an attempt to make his heart feel better. He never wanted his friend to find out about this and now that he did he wasn't sure what to do with himself and then that kiss. It had been a mistake but it had been so tempting. Except that it was so disatisfying compared to the steamy kisses they used to share and now there was this awkward tension between them.
 
At his friend's question Shishido did give a reluctant nod but didn't expand on anything. He was feeling rather miserable and the only words that seemed to keep making it past his lips were apologies. It was probably weird to apologize for loving someone, especially when there was some uncontrollable force driving you to it. Still, it didn't stop a few more quiet 'I'm sorry's being spoken against Yuushi's shoulder. As his eyes closed, he hoped that this night would end soon and tomorrow he'd wake up and this could all just be a bad dream. He supposed it should have been a relief to no longer have to carry around that secret but the burden seemed to change not lift. And then there was the frustration in  knowing that Yuushi would never return his love the way he wanted but that he could fall for someone he barely knew. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, forcing himself to not become stupidly jealous and uncool. He'd done enough retarded things without striking at his bonded feelings.

Nothing Yuushi murmured seemed to placate Shishido, and the illusionist listened to his apologies quietly after a bit, feeling that somehow, their roles had been reversed. Shouldn't he be the one apologizing? Shouldn't he be the one asking his friend's forgiveness for his obliviousness?
 
All he could do was hug Shishido as tightly as he dared and rock him a bit, trying to comfort him the only way he could right now.