RP log: Kippei and Shinji

[kementur.livejournal.com]

Date: Sept 21st, morning after Shinji's mission
Rating: PG
Summary: Shinji gets Ohtori to help him tie Kippei up before he leaves, and when he gets home he finds Kippei in a very bad mood.


Kippei was furious--worried sick and frustrated as hell and in pain, but mostly furious. What in the fucking hell had been going through Shinji's head, and who the devil had helped him? Kippei was tied firmly to his bed, so firmly that not even he could get himself free, and gagged on top of it, which did not stop him from screaming himself hoarse, mostly in sheer rage, along with a little bit of blind hysteria.

He jerked against the bindings until his skin rubbed raw and then started bleeding, but he barely noticed. Red fury and blind panic and just plain stubbornness kept him struggling until he ran out of breath, and then he lay still only long enough to stew himself back up to a fever pitch thinking about where the hell Shinji was and what might have gone wrong and Shinji had tied him up what the bloody HELL and so help him, if he could get free he would have gone after Shinji right the fuck now and showed him a thing or two about things gone wrong. Serve him right if he did get into trouble and Kippei couldn't help him because it was his own damn fault, jesus!

He went from anger to fear and back again, over and over, driving himself insane with his inability to do anything. Anything at all. He was bound and helpless and he was going to fucking kill his boyfriend. Maybe not literally. But it sure made him feel better to say it. Or scream it. Whatever. Underneath it all where he didn't even have a thought to spare for it was the hurt and confusion, because what the hell? Seriously, what the fucking fuck did Shinji think he was doing? Since he wasn't thinking about it, however, it only fueled his fury and frustration. Shinji was so going to answer for this. Just as soon as Kippei got free of all this godDAMN FUCKING ROPE.

Shinji damn near skipped through the door because he had been on a mission and it went great! But he hadn't gotten a meter into his room when the fury washed over him and the scent of blood and rage filled him. He buckled over, scared spineless in seconds and stared at the bed in horror. Oh god, oh god.

"Kippei?" At least he was alive; he had to be to be thinking all that stuff. But Shinji felt like he couldn't breathe, powers on full with no knowledge of how to turn it down and Kippei broadcasting the fact he wanted to kill him loud and clear.

Shinji. He was back. A flood of relief washed through Kippei, followed by an equally strong tide of anger. YOU TIED ME UP! Get the fuck in here and untie me! What the hell were you thinking? He hollered it with his muted voice and shouted it in his thoughts, not really caring which one Shinji picked up on. He fought uselessly against the ropes again, heedless of the pain on his already broken skin. He had to get out of this right fucking now.

Shinji shook his head and stumbled backward, closing the door and sliding down against it, curling up in a tight ball at the bottom and covering his ears as if that might block out the noise in his head. He felt trapped and terrified and he didn't want to let Kippei go because Kippei was going to kill him, but maybe he deserved it? Maybe he shouldn't have tied Kippei up, but he had wanted to do the mission himself, without Kippei following and he hadn't known what else to do.

"Stop it!" Shinji whimpered, hearing the agony in Kippei's thoughts. He was hurt and hurting and.."Stop it!" He screamed and his mind lashed out, deleting thoughts in blanking waves. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!"

Kippei felt his mind go blank, but that only made him angrier at the moment, leaving behind as it did pure emotion, which was waves of pain and confusion and rage. He was insanely relieved that Shinji was okay, having spent the night helpless and imagining all the things that could happen to him, but the relief made way for even more anger, because Shinji was fine and therefore he could damn well get the fuck in here and untie him and fucking explain himself.

It wouldn't stop. It was just getting worse and Shinji curled up tighter, scurrying into the corner and balling himself up so tight he wasn't sure he could feel anything other than Kippei's pain. What had he done? Kippei was going to kill him and he so deserved it, but he didn't want to die, he had done a mission and he did good but this wasn't good at all. He stuffed up the bit that mattered and it hurt like hell. Everything he did, whether he meant to do it or not, was just making Kippei madder.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He couldn't stop deleting thoughts. Not just Kippei's, but every thought, grabbing them and writing over them with his own terrified litany.

Shinji's terror finally broke through the red haze in Kippei's mind, counterpoint as it was to his own feelings. You should be, he shot back, his thoughts a low growl. But Shinji was, miserably so, and Kippei being mad at him was only going to make things worse. Well, he wasn't quite ready to be done being mad yet, but he was more than ready to get out of these ropes and Shinji wasn't going to come anywhere near him at the moment. Everything hurt, but especially that, as Kippei realised that was why Shinji had tied him up in the first place. Shinji didn't trust him, didn't know him well enough to know Kippei wouldn't have done whatever Shinji thought he was going to do, would never hurt him now no matter how angry he was.

I'm not going to hurt you. Just come get these damn things OFF me and we'll talk. Oh yeah, they would talk. They were going to have a nice long talk about this.

Shinji just shook his head, giving up on talking, or thinking or anything, curled up tight, too terrified to move. Kippei was going to kill him. He was going to die, and he deserved it. He did the wrong thing and you weren't supposed to do the wrong thing. He should just delete himself, like he did the last time. Then he wouldn't even know what he did and he wouldn't care if Kippei killed him. But he wasn't good enough to get to forget. He should have to suffer because he hurt Kippei and no one was supposed to hurt Kippei, ever. His thoughts kept going round and round, trapped in a tight circle of depressive madness. He hurt Kippei and now Kippei was going to kill him. Well, that was fair.

God, what the hell. Kippei made a concerted effort to get his temper under control, picking up enough of Shinji's thoughts to realise that Shinji was convinced Kippei was going to kill him, and Kippei couldn't begin to convince him otherwise until he got out of these damn ropes. Hell, he couldn't do anything until he got free, which was... okay, not thinking about that. He took a deep breath, and then another, and then made yet another frustrated attempt to get himself free. Absolutely useless. Shinji had to have had help with this.

Shinji, he thought carefully, trying to sound calm and reasonable and mostly ending up with strained patience. I am NOT going to kill you. But if you don't come let me up I am going to kill myself trying to get loose.

That did it. Shinji burst into tears and action, racing to the bed, snatching up his pocket knife from under the bed and slicing at the ropes, getting one undone and dropping the knife near Kippei before scurrying back to the corner. For some reason, if he was going to die he would rather it be in the corner where the mess would be easier to clean up. Kippei was trying to sound calm, but Shinji knew he was still angry. And hurt. And nothing like any other time Shinji had been anywhere near him. It was scary as all hell.

Shinji was crying. Jesus. Kippei winced, a wave of hurt and self recrimination crashing through him, followed by a burst of anger again because he was still tied up and couldn't do anything about fixing it. But at least his hand was free now, once he jerked at it a little, and he strained until he could reach the knife, snatching it up and making short work of the rest.

His entire body was stiff and sore and as bruised as if he'd been beaten up, but he ignored all of it, dropping the knife and striding over to the corner where Shinji was, the relief winning for the moment. Shinji was back and he was safe and nothing had happened. Kippei dropped down beside him, his shaky legs more or less giving out and he hauled Shinji into his lap, wrapping tightly around him and rocking back and forth, hanging on till he was nearly smothering him.

"Shinji," he murmured in his raw, ruined voice. Shinji was okay. The absolute terror on some deep level finally faded now that he could touch him again, hold him and make sure he was fine.

Shinji was too scared to move at all; wanting to scream and pull back because Kippei was going to kill him and shouldn't he do something to try and stop him? But at the same time scared that if he moved he would hurt Kippei who was already so injured he could hardly stand. But Kippei wasn't killing him...yet, was just holding him and rocking and that was sort of nice, only it just made Shinji cry more and god, this was embarrassing but he was going to die, so like it mattered. He wanted to wrap Kippei up in bandages and take away all the pain and make it better, but it was all his fault to begin with. If only he hadn't gone on that stupid mission.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

"I know," Kippei told him, but it hurt to talk, his throat felt like raw hamburger. He shook his head and held on tighter, the anger fading as his system finally crashed down from the adrenaline high, leaving him shocky and shaken. He was still angry, but the hurt and confusion was winning now, leaving him bewildered and feeling a bit betrayed. Okay, maybe a lot. What the hell was that, Shinji? Just... what the fuck? I was so worried and I hate being tied up, I hate it, I couldn't do anything even if you had needed it.

It wasn't that he'd ever really thought Shinji would need anything, it was that doing was a fundamental part of who he was, and when he literally could not do anything, it was like non-existence. It was sheer panic, nothing rational about it. The anger was automatic, his response to anyone or anything that kept him from Shinji, kept him from being there if... just in case, of anything. From being available, even if Shinji was fine. Kippei would always be standing by, ready for anything Shinji might need unless someone interfered, in which case he wanted them dead. When it was Shinji doing the interfering, obviously there was a huge conflict in his response. He couldn't kill Shinji for keeping him from being there for Shinji, but then he had no one else to be mad at and nothing to do with the anger. Expressing it only hurt Shinji, which defeated the whole purpose, but it was there all the same.

Shinji couldn't talk; couldn't think past the fact he had hurt Kippei, completely. The only thing that mattered at all and he had damaged it in every way possible. Guilt ate at him and so he just stayed perfectly still, as effectively mute as if he had been born without a tongue, and without a power at all. Maybe he should blame that. If he wasn't a mutant he wouldn't go on stupid missions and he would never have to be without Kippei and everything would have been better. He knew all along his stupid powers were bad...now he had proof! No using them...not that he knew how to stop. He couldn't get past sorry in his head and the fact Kippei wouldn't accept sorry.

Kippei sighed, slumping back against the wall and bowing his head, resting it on Shinji's shoulder. Shinji was broadcasting in a rather scattershot fashion, here and there bits and pieces of thoughts, but Kippei was pretty sure he got the gist of it. He was sorry and he shouldn't have gone on the mission and his powers were ultimately to blame for all of this. Right.

"Don't be an idiot," he muttered hoarsely, rubbing Shinji's arm exhaustedly and forcing the words out so he could make sure Shinji was hearing him. "Powers, mission, nothing to do with this. You... decided to... tie me up. That's... the only problem here. Don't... do that again." Ever, but he was pretty sure Shinji got that part loud and clear without him saying it.

Shinji just nodded, almost manically, and clenched his eyes shut, not wanting to see the blood smeared along Kippei's arms or the weary look to him. All his fault, it was all his fault! He had never done something really wrong before; had never really hurt something he loved, but he had now. He never wanted to move again; thought it might actually be sort of a relief if Kippei killed him now, while he wasn't looking. Kippei was having trouble even talking in whole sentences...all. his. fault. Fuck.

Kippei really wanted to still be angry with him, but it was impossible when Shinji was so obviously miserable and sorry for what he'd done. He still couldn't figure out what the hell had been going on in Shinji's head that made him think this was a good idea, but it didn't matter at the moment. He was exhausted and he hurt everywhere, which was mostly his own fault, but he should definitely clean up a bit. He decided to give up on trying to talk for now, having made his point, and not abuse his voice any further. Help me up? he asked, not waiting for an answer since he wasn't even sure if Shinji was listening, gently dislodging Shinji from his lap and using the wall behind him to push himself up.

Shinji wanted to do as he was told, but couldn't get any part of his body to move, so he just sat in the corner where Kippei put him, aware of Kippei getting up and wincing whenever Kippei did, unwilling to open his eyes and see all the gory evidence of what he had done. He wasn't supposed to be using his powers anyway, evil disgusting things that they were. They got him into trouble and lots of it. So much Kippei might kill him, though it didn't seem likely, unfortunately. He deserved it. He turned a little, to put his cheek against the wall, letting his hair fall like a second wall on the other side, happy to be closed in and closed off from the world. He didn't want to know about anything anymore.

Kippei looked down at him, sighing, but it didn't look like Shinji was going to be much help, and he needed to get himself taken care of. Shinji also didn't look like he was planning to move, but just in case, Kippei touched his head briefly to get his attention. Don't go anywhere.

He made his way to the bathroom, llimping a little, pulling his filthy t-shirt off over his head. He knew well enough that most of the damage was his own fault; he wasn't blaming Shinji for any of the injuries. What Shinji did wouldn't have actually hurt him, if he hadn't been so insanely determined to get free. He took his time washing up, cleaning the blood off and wrapping the injuries, before he went back out to change clothes and find Shinji again. He could probably use a shower, but he was too exhausted at the moment.

Shinji flinched at the pet on his head and wanted to say he wouldn't go anywhere, but the action spoke louder than the words, so he just stayed where he was, curled up in the corner, too scared to so much as open his eyes, hands firmly over his ears, trying to block out all the noise and failing miserably. He had hurt Kippei. Hurt Kippei! He was the worst person in the world. Kippei was so hurt and tired he couldn't even take a shower. God, Shinji had desotryed him; destroyed them! He was useless, useless, useless and should just die, die, die. And he had to stop using his fucking powers! Moron!

Shinji was still curled up in the corner, hands over his ears and broadcasting misery as clearly as if he'd been shouting. Kippei stopped beside him, but if he sat down again he wasn't sure he could get back up. He shook his head and made Shinji lighter, reaching down to take his arm and pull him into the air, floating him up effortlessly and pulling him into his arms to carry him over to the bed. With a sigh he laid them both down, curling up around Shinji and cradling him close, kissing his hair and finally relaxing a bit. Now that he could think clearly again, he was rather chagrined by the whole affair, realising that he had overreacted, even though the idea that Shinji had tied him up still hurt pretty deeply.

"I'm sorry I got mad at you," he whispered, not trusting Shinji to hear him if he didn't use his voice. "I wasn't thinking. I'm really glad you're okay."

That was worse, worse, worse! Kippei was not supposed to apologise! He had deserved it and Kippei was allowed to get angry! He was not supposed to say sorry for things Shinji deserved and he shouldn't be glad Shinji was okay when Shinji deserved to be dead because he had hurt Kippei. There more he thought about it, the more he got it. Kippei felt caged just being inside, anywhere, let alone tied to a bed where he couldn't do anything...nothing at all! And Shinji did that to him, all because he hadn't wanted Shinji interferring with his mission. He hurt Kippei just for that stupid selfish reason. He was so damn pathetic. He should have put Kippei first, but he hadn't. Kippei had to know that, and he was still putting Shinji first and apologising for something that was completely Shinji's fault! It was worse! Everything was even worse than Shinji had thought! He wanted Kippei to kill him, right now, because then he wouldn't have to think about what he had done.

Shinji still wasn't talking, and Kippei sighed a little as he stroked his hair, wishing again that he could read Shinji's thoughts as well as Shinji could read his. Talk to me, he insisted. Tell me what happened. Your mission went okay? Hell he wouldn't mind if Shinji just wanted to cry on his shoulder and tell him how sorry he was, but it made Kippei severely uneasy when he wouldn't talk at all.

Shinji refused to move, even to talk, convinced he was just going to make it worse and worse and worse until it would never get better and so he just clenched his eyes shut harder and blocked everything out because if it got worse he didn't know what he would do. Kippei was warm and smelt good, but the sheets were cold and they smelt like blood and it kept reminding him, every time he breathed in and out to the beat of Kippei's hand stroking his hair and he couldn't help it; tears kept leaking out the side of his eyes and it was stupid and he didn't have the right to cry about this but he couldn't stop.

Kippei reached up gently to wipe Shinji's tears away with his knuckle, stroking his cheek and murmuring something soothing. Aww, don't cry, babe. It's not that bad. I'm okay, I'm not mad anymore, you're okay, it's alright. Don't cry. Please don't.

Why didn't Kippei get it that it didn't make it better that he wasn't mad anymore, it made it worse? It was that bad. It was worse than that bad and he couldn't help crying. He was so damn selfish that even now when Kippei just wanted him to stop crying, to make him feel better, he couldn't do it. He was so damn selfish. So heartless. Completely hideously evil!

Selfish, selfish, selfish!

Kippei chuckled a little, a soft rough sound. Yeah, you're terrible, he agreed, amused that Shinji had decided on selfish as the worst thing about his behavior. So selfish. You wanna explain that to me? I agree it was pretty thoughtless, but it's not your fault I hurt myself and I'm sure you had a reason, however odd it might be.

It is too my fault! Shinji blinked, opening his eyes, stunned, staring at...Kippei's collarbone, as what they were doing hit him and he finally looked up to meet Kippei's gaze, stunned. The guilt was still there, smothering and suffocating but for a moment it was pushed aside in favour of shock.

You can...hear me.

Kippei blinked at him, a little puzzled. Well, yeah. You're sending everything. He was confused, not understanding why Shinji was pointing this out. He wasn't sure precisely how it worked, but Shinji could pick up his thoughts and then send them back in some way, changing them to his--sometimes he had to pay attention to be able to tell which thoughts were from Shinji and which were his own, but it wasn't that hard.

Shinji just blinked, because...duh. Of course it would work like that, but he hadn't put two and two together.

I didn't realise we could talk...like this. But it didn't really matter anyway because he had screwed Kippei over royally and was going to die from it anyway so it was a pointless realisation. I'm such an idiot.

"Mmmm," Kippei answered, having lost interest in the subject, nuzzling him and snuggling in as if Shinji were a teddy bear and he was getting ready to go to sleep. He was so tired and had worried himself sick in between his anger, and it felt good just to lay here and hold Shinji and not think about anything. I love you.

I dont know why, I'm horrible. Shinji closed his eyes again, unable to look at Kippei and know that he was so damn terrible to him, and had gotten him hurt and probably caused more mental damage than if he had used his powers.

You probably don't even wanna have sex anymore. You shouldnt either. I'm so stupid.

Kippei had closed his eyes and buried his face contentedly in Shinji's hair, but that made him look up again, cracking one eye open to give Shinji a very bewildered look. What the hell has that got to do with anything? Of course I do, and you're not stupid so don't say such dumb things. I'll never stop loving you and wanting you no matter what you do. I want everything from you, and don't tell me about should and shouldn't. I'll want whatever the hell I want to want and I don't give a damn about shouldn't.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, Shinji chided himself, though the thought was softer now, a little relieved to hear Kippei say he still wanted him, and that ademantly to boot. It made him feel better. Stronger somehow, though the guilt was still beyond measure. He let his eyes flutter open and forced himself to look at Kippei's bandaged wrists, which were pretty well done since Kippei had done it himself. White and proof of damage, Shinji hated it, but his fingers reached out and skimmed across the white material, stroking apologetically while he stared, trying not to cry.

I'm so sorry. I'll never hurt you again, I promise.

Kippei laughed at him, a soft whispered chuckle. Well that would be pretty impossible, for you to do it again, since you didn't do it this time. That was me, Shinji. I hurt myself, you didn't do it. You didn't tie me too tight or in a bad position or anything, if I hadn't been trying to break the ropes then I would have been fine until you got back. It's not your fault. You didn't do it, and I know you didn't mean for that to happen and didn't want to. But I know you're sorry it did. Well, that's my fault, because I'm also an idiot, and I'm sorry too.

Shinji shook his head fervently, frowning darkly. Kippei was being stupid.

No, it's my fault! I should never tie you up and try and stop you from doing stuff. I know better. He was just going to have to remeber that in the future. Why didnt you... He frowned, a little confused. Why didn't you just float a knife over and cut the rope?

Kippei shrugged. My powers don't work like that--it's not telekinesis. I can't just pick things up and move them. I can make them weightless, and I can shift the directional field of a large mass to 'fall' in a different direction than down, but I doubt if I could do anything with something as small as a knife, and even if I could have gotten it over here I wouldn't have been able to use it. My hands weren't free and my fine control is nowhere near good enough. Believe me, if it would have worked, I'd have done it. I tried everything.

That didn't make Shinji feel any better. At least if there had been something Kippei didn't try then Shinji could have said, ha see you could have got out of it if you were smarter, but there wasn't because Kippei was already smart and thought of everything. He sighed glumly and settled in against Kippei, screwing up his nose distastefully.

"Can we at least sleep in my bed? This one smells."

Kippei sighed, not wanting to get up and move again; Shinji was right, but he hadn't thought about it--this one had been closer and he'd just kind of collapsed without noticing the damage. The sheets needed changed, probably trashed; he didn't know if the bloodstains would come out, and they did smell--he'd been sweating and thrashing all night.

Yeah, we can, he answered absently, letting Shinji go and getting up wearily, padding over to Shinji's bed and laying down again. He waited until Shinji climbed up and curled up against him, settling in around him with a sigh, and then he frowned a little. He just had one more question. Why did you do it, Shin? I don't understand why... you thought you needed to.

"Because I'm horrible," he whispered, closing his eyes and nuzzling in against Kippei's chest, his own panging hard against his ribs painfully. "Because I'm selfish." Hadn't had said that already?

I didn't think you would let me do it by myself, and I wanted to. I wanted to try to do something by myself. Just once.

Kippei was silent, having no response to that other than a cold, sinking feeling. Shinji thought.... what, that Kippei was going to follow him? That Kippei didn't trust him? That he couldn't take care of himself? Kippei made him feel that way. This was all his fault because he made Shinji feel like he couldn't do anything by himself.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, heedless of the ache in his sore throat. "I'm sorry." He shook his head dumbly, not knowing what to say. He'd never meant that at all, but he should have known better. I wasn't going to follow you. I worry all the time, you know I worry so much but it doesn't mean I think you need help. I would never follow you on a mission unless you asked me to or I knew something bad had already happened. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry I worry so much. I'm selfish too and I need you to be okay.

No, no, no, no, no! Shinji shook his head and reached up to plant a hand on each of Kippei's cheeks, making sure he had his complete attention, taking a deep breath to say what he had to say because it wasn't something he really wanted to admit.

"It was...good. I liked it because...I didn't make a mistake and everything went good. But...I wanted you, the whole time. I was so nervous and scared and I didn't know what to do or what to think and the whole time I just wanted to run home and climb in bed with you. I liked it. It was fun and I did it, but I'm never doing it again without you."

Kippei still looked troubled, reaching up to clasp Shinji's wrists and searching his face. You did good, Shinji. You did fine on your own. You don't need me to come with you every time. I'm glad you missed me but I don't always have to be there. You're smart and strong and dangerous. You can do it by yourself if you have to, or even if you just want to. I know you can, I've always known it. I worry because I care, not because I think you can't do it. And that was true, even if it was also true that Shinji's missions alone in the past had tended to have rather disastrous consequences. The track record made Kippei worry, but he still knew that Shinji could take care of himself.

"But I dont want to go by myself anymore," Shinji mumbled, embarassed. It wasn't that he couldnt do it by himself or that he was too scared. He just didn't want to. If he ever had to, fine, but he didn't want to. He just wanted to stay with Kippei.

I just want to stay with you.

Well... good, Kippei told him finally, smiling a little and tugging him back down to snuggle. I want to stay with you too. Always.