RP log: Kippei and Shinji

[kementur.livejournal.com]

date: backdated to Sep 8th or so, after this entry
rating: PG
summary: After a week of trying out his plan, Kippei is pretty sure Shinji hasn't noticed. He's kind of wrong about that.


Kippei was getting a little discouraged with lack of success in his plan. He'd spent at least half of every day shirtless, had slept in the nude every night this week, and Shinji had barely seemed to notice after that first evening. He still watched, but he was much more careful about it and Kippei couldn't quite tell if he was staring because he liked what he saw, or if he was just uncomfortable. He was pretty sure that the former was the case, but it was still discouraging to have no other result after a week of being as obvious as he could possibly be without going 'hey, Shinji, look how naked I am! want to do something about it?'

He sighed and laid back on his bed and contemplated the ceiling. It had some interesting cracks in it. Like cracks in rock. He should go rock climbing sometime soon. Anything. The frustration was making him restless, and he felt more trapped than usual inside the school and this small room that held too much distraction and not enough at the same time.

Rockclimbing? Shinji blinked, wondering how Kippei expected to be able to go rockclimbing naked. Sleeping like that was one thing, but climbing a wall was another thing altogether. Kippei had no shame whatsoever, unlike Shinji who after ogling Kippei for a week straight was quite convinced his own body was little more than fourteen, unlikely to grow any bigger, and seemingly completely inadequate for anything other than the most basic tasks. He had tried to make himself a bowl of ice cream this morning, but gave up after dropping the tub seven times and figuring that was enough bad luck for the time being. He was too tired to lift a tub out of the freezer, and had fallen asleep in training a total of twenty nine times in less than four days. It was getting ridiculous and he was getting cross and cranky and couldn't figure out why until he found himself once again sitting on his bed, Kii in his lap, the both of them completely obvious to the world, staring at Kippei.

Kippei got bored shortly with the ceiling and also with feeling sorry for himself, and rolled over, propping himself up on one elbow to look over at Shinji. Shinji still looked tired, maybe more tired. Kippei was worried that he was coming down with something, sick with the flu maybe, but he'd checked for a fever and Shinji had been fine, although his face had been a little flushed. Still, that didn't seem grounds for an emergency.

"You look tired," he said finally. "Are you feeling okay?"

"'m tired," Shinji mumbled, not really sure what Kippei had said, everything in his head getting more than a little jumbled. He was distracted by the soft feel of Kii's fur, and the way Kippei's stomach was curved, just slightly, the skin pulled tight over the muscle. Shinji's stomach didn't look like that...that was sexy, and he couldn't look away.

"Yes, okay," Kippei agreed patiently. "You look tired, you feel tired. Are you feeling okay otherwise? Sick, hot, hurting anywhere?" Shinji looked more than tired, he looked exhausted really. Kippei sat up and studied him closely, noting the smudges like bruises under his eyes and the sort of glazed look in them. Something wrong. He didn't know what, exactly.

Something was wrong? Shinji frowned, because he didn't feel sick or hot or hurt or anything, so he shook his head. No, he was fine. Kippei was a worry wart.

"'m just tired." And completely entranced by the colour of Kippei's nipple. Why was it a different colour to the rest of his skin? They were darker than Shinji's too, but Kippei was generally darker since he had a tan, but still. It was interesting.

Kippei frowned. "Why are you so tired?" he insisted. "I'm getting worried about you. Maybe we should take you down to the med center or something." Not that he wanted any doctors anywhere near Shinji, but it would be rather like cutting off his nose to spite his face if Shinji really was sick.

"'m just tired!" Shinji insisted grumpily, finally frustrated enough to turn away, curling up on the bed with Kii, though it didn't help much. He could still see every line of Kippei's body in his head. It haunted the dreams he had, while he was still awake. He thought it was weird that you could dream and be awake at the same time, but it happened, so whatever.

Kippei sighed and got up, crossing the room to sit beside him on the bed. "You're exhausted, Shinji," he said bluntly. "You look like you're getting sick or something. That's not just tired--there must be a reason. Haven't you been sleeping well? Bad dreams or something?"

"My dreams are fine," Shinji mumbled, and they were. He just wished he could have them while he was asleep, like a normal person. Instead, he was having his own daydreams, and Kippei's and every other person in the area's.

"Can't sleep."

Kippei frowned some more, reaching to stroke his hair and feeling like he was missing some piece of the puzzle, but he didn't know what it was. "Why? You haven't been sleeping at all?"

"I said I was tired!" Shinji moaned, on the verge of tears for no damn good reason other than he was too tired to deal with anything and a half naked Kippei, who was sexy as all hell and deliberately wandering around their room naked, was now sitting on the edge of his bed and touching his hair and Shinji wanted but had no idea what he wanted and it was just making him stressed and desperate.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Kippei said soothingly, rubbing his back a little helplessly and wondering what the hell to do now. "I know you're tired, Shinji, but you shouldn't be this tired and I'm just trying to figure out how to help." He sighed, slightly frustrated. He didn't want to make Shinji upset, but neither did he want to let this go when Shinji was obviously not well.

"If you want to help then try putting on some damn clothes!" Shinji hissed at him, grabbing his pillow and slamming it over his head, mortified and tired and not wanting Kippei to see him cry, even if it was just the 'I'm so tired I think I am going to die' sort of crying.

Kippei stared at him, not at all sure what that had to do with anything. "Clothes?" he repeated blankly. He looked down at himself and frowned in confusion. Sure, he wasn't wearing a shirt, but how would putting one on make Shinji less tired? "I don't see what the problem is," he muttered, but he went to find a shirt anyway. It wasn't like it seemed to be doing him any good to have it off.

Shinji groaned at Kippei's thoughts, wondering how Kippei could be so bloody stupid at the same damn time he was being insufferably understanding and horrendously sexy. He whimpered, feeling the frustration almost like physical pain, eyes still watering in desperation, wanting to close and sleep and his brain to turn off.

"You're an idiot, Tachibana Kippei! You are such an idiot!" He howled into the pillow, punching it and wishing he could just curl up and die.

Kippei blinked, taken aback by the reaction. He was an idiot? Why was he an idiot? He didn't get what he was missing. Apparently this was his fault, or Shinji seemed to think so. He came back over to stand beside the bed, just hovering, not wanting to sit back down if Shinji was mad at him.

"I'm sorry," he said after a minute, sounding confused. "What did I do?"

Shinji lost it, blubbering into the pillow and barely remembering to let Kii get out of the way before curling up tight into a ball.

"You sleep naked! On top of the sheets and you don't have any clothes on and you look really good and you know you do and you do it on purpose and you sleep just fucking fine and have these incredible dreams and you do all sorts of things to me in them, and then you wake up and you only put pants on and not a shirt and you deliberately parade around all day as if I can't see you, but I can, I can't see anything else and I can't sleep and I can't stop hearing what you're thinking and I can't stop wanting stuff I don't even know anything about and I just want to go to sleep!"

Kippei's mouth dropped open and he stared down at Shinji, a little stunned. What? He hadn't been sure Shinji had even noticed or that it was affecting him that much, never mind this level of stress it was apparently giving him. He hadn't been sleeping because of that?

"Um," he said blankly, not even knowing where to start with a response to that. "I'm....sorry? I didn't know it was bothering you." But Shinji said it made him want things, so maybe that part of it was working.

"How the hell could it not bother me when you're wandering around NAKED! It's not even a bad bothered, its a really good bothered. Like...really, really good! And I can't stop thinking about it and I just want to die! Dying would be good then I would never have to think again!" He didn't mean it, but anything seemed a better alternative to thinking. "I just want to go to sleeeeeep!"

Kippei bit his lip, torn between amusement and guilt. He hadn't meant to upset Shinji so much--bother him, yes, but Shinji sound miserable and not a little pissed off. He sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed again, running his hand up and down Shinji's arm and wishing he could do something.

"I'm sorry," he said again. Maybe you should stop thinking about it and just do something about it, but he wasn't going to say that. "I won't do it anymore."

"Do something about it? Do something about it!" Shinji tossed the pillow at Kippei, hard, but it was just a pillow and in the end it was never going to hurt, so he didn't feel bad. God, he wished he could tune out of Kippei's head.

"You can do it, just...not all the damn time! What would you do, if I started walking around with my shirt off, and slept naked and did what you've been doing? I just want to go to sleep!" Yes, he was complaining and wailing and he so did not care.

"I'd jump you," Kippei answered calmly. Duh, wasn't that obvious? He was a bit puzzled, still not understanding why the hell Shinji couldn't sleep. "Go to sleep then, I won't bother you anymore. But I don't get it. If you want something, why pretend that you don't?"

"Jump me? What the hell is jump me supposed to mean? I can't go to sleep because all I can think about is you, you, you and I can hear you thinking and I'm not pretending I don't! I want...I want...I don't know what the hell it is I want!"

And he had had enough of wanting it and not getting it, so he slumped back against the blankets and just let his stupid eyes tear because his brain was way too tired to try and stop it.

Kippei felt bad as soon as he discovered that Shinji was so upset. He felt even worse once he realised that Shinji didn't even know enough about what he wanted to do something about it even if he wanted to. Sighing, he made a mental note to kick himself for it later, and stretched out on the blankets to curl up around Shinji, kissing his temple and holding him. He didn't know what to say; he wasn't entirely sure what Shinji wanted either.

Shinji whimpered, feeling tired and drained and just wanting to go to sleep and get...something. He shifted closer to Kippei and realised he really liked the warmth and closeness, so he snuggled closer, right up against Kippei until he wished Kippei hadn't put his shirt back on, only it was probably good that he had. He wove his limbs around Kippei's until he could hardly feel places Kippei wasn't touching and finally breathed a sigh of relief, eyes sliding shut at last.

"Stop thinking. Don't you dare think a single thing. No thinking, no dreaming, no mental activity whatsoever is allowed."

Kippei shrugged, wrapping more tightly around him and trying not to think at all, which he was usually pretty good at, but the lingering guilt of making Shinji so upset with his stupid idea was making it kind of hard. He sighed, resting his cheek against Shinji's hair and wishing he was better at this whole starting over thing.

He had made Kippei feel bad; had maybe hurt his feelings a little, but right at that moment Shinji didn't care, posessed by the need to sleep. Kippei's mind was blissfully quiet and Shinji settled into it quickly, determined to make it up to Kippei when he woke up, after a nice long, long...long sleep.

---

When he finally woke, Shinji had a mild headache, but wanted to cry for joy because the bone deep lethargy, while not gone completely, was back to a normal sort of weariness that an afternoon nap would fix. He then realised he didnt just feel better, but he was surrounded by warmth and something that smelled incredible and he realised right after that it could only be Kippei. Smiling, he blinked open his eyes, hands already reaching, moving to stroke the familiar lines of Kippei's face and squirming around so he could wake Kippei up with a really good good morning kiss.

Kippei had been awake for most of the night after Shinji went to sleep, not really thinking at all, but feeling a little shaken, as if he'd made a huge mistake and almost... well, as if something much worse had almost happened. It was a rather irrational feeling, but it made him grateful to just be laying here with Shinji wrapped around him, listening to him breathe, and it took Kippei a very long time to finally fall asleep himself. It seemed like he'd barely gotten to sleep when Shinji was waking him up again, but it wasn't like he minded, with a kiss like that.

"Mmmmmm." He blinked sleepily at Shinji. "G'morning to you too."

"Good morning," Shinji murmered, stroking Kippei's cheek, amused by the sleepy slant to his eyes and quality to his voice. So damn gorgeous and hot and sexy...oh god, don't think about the sexy. He kissed Kippei again, while Kippei was still too sleepy to kiss back properly.

"I'm sorry about last night." He really hadn't wanted to hurt Kippei's feelings and it looked like it was Kippei who had had trouble sleeping this time. "I was just really tired."

Kippei frowned a little, stroking Shinji's back with a lazy hand. "Not your fault. I'm sorry I made you so upset. I didn't mean to." He still wasn't sure how what he'd done had ended up with Shinji not sleeping, but since it had, he had obviously done the wrong thing and it had backfired pretty badly, in his opinion. He'd been selfish again, and he couldn't seem to stop doing that.

That hand stroking his back was warming Shinji through, a gentle heat growing in his gut. Shinji pushed Kippei onto his back and lay on top of him, nipping at his jaw, wondering how many times he had hurt Kippei's feelings and never even noticed. He wished he knew what he was supposed to do to make Kippei happy. If all it took was having sex then maybe that wasn't so bad. He just couldn't see how sex would be good, no matter what everyone else seemed to think.

"I'm sorry I was mean."

Kippei gave him a startled look, a little more awake now. "You weren't mean," he said, puzzled. "Why do you say that?" He hadn't thought Shinji was mean at all--he'd been upset and it had been Kippei's fault, that was all.

"Because you're feeling bad and you shouldn't be and I hurt your feelings and made you feel bad and I didn't want to." He licked the corner of Kippei's mouth, in apology but also because he liked the taste and wanted to kiss Kippei again.

Kippei looked a little amused, but he pulled Shinji back down to kiss him properly. "You didn't hurt my feelings. I just screwed up. I shouldn't have... I should be more patient." He sighed, reminding himself that it really hadn't been that long and he should be grateful they'd come as far as they had--and he was, god, he was, but he wished it had never been necessary in the first place.

"You miss the other Shinji," Shinji mumbled, not really feeling the sting of it anymore, having pretty much come to terms with the idea that Kippei would probably always miss the other Shinji. And so he should. It was a whole year of their lives, and Kippei had to remember that alone.

"No, I don't," Kippei told him, running fingers through his hair. "I miss the things we used to do together and I miss the things you used to know about me, but I don't miss you. You're right here." He didn't quite get the whole 'other Shinji' idea that seemed to be how Shinji was dealing with everything he didn't remember, but Kippei couldn't think of them as different people.

"...really?" That sort of implied Shinji hadn't changed much, despite what had happened. He hadn't realised how badly he wanted that until Kippei said that and now he bit his lip nervously, not sure he really wanted to know and yet at the same time knowing he did.

"I miss you being happy." Not that he really knew what Kippei was like happy, but he felt it, in every cell of his body. That difference that said, Kippei isn't happy and I need to fix it.

"Oh, Shinji." Kippei held him tighter and buried his face in Shinji's hair, not even knowing what to say. He wasn't happy? Maybe he wasn't. He worried more and missed things and he kept screwing up and hurting Shinji. Shinji missed him being happy, and god knew Kippei missed it too. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry," Shinji mumbled, uncomfortable, aware he was only making Kippei feel worse which was only making him feel worse, and then making Kippei even worse all over again. He sighed, and slipped off to the side of Kippei, looking down at him with unsure eyes, having no clue what he was supposed to do to make his boyfriend feel good. His hands had a mind of their own though and tugged Kippei's shirt up a little, exposing a little strip of his stomach and rubbing it with his palm, back and forward, relaxing a little as he finally got to touch again instead of staring for days on end.

Kippei had his eyes squeezed shut against the odd kind of grief that was blocking his throat, but he sighed a little in relief and faint surprise when Shinji started touching him, tension slowly fading with the simple back and forth of Shinji's hand. That felt good, that felt really good.

Kippei wasn't telling him to stop, so Shinji didn't, letting his fingers stroke across Kippei's belly button, down to the edge of his pajama bottoms, just stroking along the hemline. Kippei was...practically grieveing and Shinji didn't know what to say, still.

"Do you want socks? I always feel better with socks on."

Kippei chuckled, almost soundlessly. "And you wonder if you're still the same person," he murmured wryly. "Just keep... doing what you're doing. I always feel better when I'm touching you." Or Shinji was touching him. Both, really. Whatever. His own hand kept moving slowly up and down Shinji's spine, rubbing gently as he traced the familiar line of it.

Shinji smiled, realising Kippei meant he hadn't changed at all. Not in any way that mattered, he just didn't remember stuff was all. And he could keep doing what he was doing, hell yes he could yes please! He wondered if it relaxed Kippei in the same way Kippei's rubbing his spine relaxed him. He hoped so.

"So how come you only touch me if I touch you first?" He had just spent a week wanting to touch Kippei, after being told not to, and now his fingers were starving for the contact.

Kippei blinked at him, his hand stilling as he frowned slightly in bemusement. "I...huh?" Didn't touch him? "I don't..." Well. It depended on the kind of touching, really, but he supposed that he did do that. It was... well, he had no idea how to explain it to Shinji or even if that was what Shinji was asking. Sometimes, it was like permission, and sometimes it was just that Shinji touching him first meant that Kippei could be sure he wanted to, and wasn't just responding.

He shrugged, finally, unable to put it into words. "You don't, either," he pointed out.

"If I touch you more will you touch me more, or will you tell me not to?" Because Shinji didn't like being told he had to stop. He couldn't know if he liked something or not if he didn't try it, and he couldn't learn what he liked or didn't like if he wasn't allowed to experience it first.

"I want you to touch me more. Without asking for permission."

Kippei looked torn. "Shinji..." Shinji didn't really get it, which wasn't surprising, and while Kippei would love to touch him more with or without permission, that wasn't really the point. The point was...

"That kind of touching, it's not just touching," he tried to explain. "It goes somewhere. Usually, it leads to sex. It's not that easy to just touch and leave it at that. You start touching me like you were, that night, and it feels like sex, like that's what you want. But it's not. You just like touching, which is great, but I can't just touch you back for very long without wanting to take it a lot farther. I don't tell you to stop, well... I don't have that much self control. And I don't want to make you do anything you don't want."

"But I won't know if I don't really want it until I feel it...You're not even going to try, just assume that I don't want it? Then I'll never want it. I say I don't want it because I don't know if I do or I don't, so I don't try, but if I like something, and it leads to something else I like then I don't get to just say I don't like it, and I learn that I do. Like touching you. I like it. When I can't and I can only look, I don't like that. It haunts and I ache to be able to touch, like this...Maybe other things are like that too." God, he hoped other things were like that too because it was a damn good kind of ache.

Kippei wasn't entirely sure he understood that rambling explanation, and neither was he entirely sure that Shinji did actually get it yet. "Mmmm," he answered, closing his eyes while he decided that for the moment, touching was more than okay, and let his hand slip under Shinji's shirt to trace patterns on his back.

He supposed Shinji was right, but he didn't want to explain how it felt that Shinji had made it so very clear that he did not want it, and also that Shinji would have to be very clear that he had changed his mind and he did want it before Kippei would feel comfortable with it. It was a very nasty feeling to wonder if you might damn near rape your boyfriend, not that he wanted to explain to Shinji what that was, either.

Mmm? That was it. Shinji huffed loudly and settled for snuggling in against Kippei's side and letting his hands explore all the yummy skin of Kippei's chest, deliberately avoiding his nipples and only brushing over them every now and then just in case Kippei changed his mind again and said it wasn't okay.

"You can play with my hair whenever you want..." That was a definite yes, and maybe that would make Kippei feel better?

Kippei snorted with laughter. "Thank you." How amusing was it that Shinji had at least partially figured out that his hair really was that sexy, and decided that if Kippei wanted sex he could make do with playing with Shinji's hair? The logic wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good, either. At the least, the suggestion was rather desperately ironic and Kippei wasn't about to try to explain to him that it just wasn't the same thing.

"Anytime." Shinji rolled his eyes, not liking getting snorted at for what he thought was a perfectly good idea. He sighed and kissed Kippei's shoulder, decided he liked it and did it again. Mmm, Kippei tasted really good, and smelt even better and was just...sexy. Everything Shinji liked about life rolled into one perfect person.

"Are you still tired?" Kippei rarely said much, but Shinji was having trouble getting snorts out of him today.

Kippei shifted slightly, unsure why the question made subtle tension creep back into him. It took him a minute to realise that Shinji had no idea how suggestive it sounded.

"No..." he answered slowly. "Why?"

"You're quiet," Shinji murmured a little uncomfortably. He wondered if maybe Kippei was still taking his demand for mental silrnce seriously and felt bad again for getting upset at Kippei.

"You're allowed to think and stuff again...I was just tired. I wasnt really mad."

Kippei sighed. "Thinking is bad, anyway," he muttered. "I knew you weren't mad. Don't worry about it." He didn't mean to be quiet, it was just easier not to think and not to try to talk about things.

"Sorry. I'm just... I don't know." Melancholy, was probably the word.

Not happy. That was the right answer. Shinji picked up Kii and dropped him on Kippei's belly, watching him turn in tight little circles until he dropped down into a comfortable little ball with the intent of sleeping there. Shinji doubted he would get the chance to sleep there long but didn't want to spoil Kii's little dream either, so he just smiled and pet the cute little blue head.

"It's okay." Shinji wanted to say sorry but didn't think Kippei would want him to, so he didn't. "Thinking isn't bad. It tells me how you feel."

"How I feel?" Kippei blinked at him, slightly curious. "How do I feel?" He wasn't sure he knew, at the moment. That question wasn't as interesting as something else that was bothering him, though.

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"I don't know because you're not thinking about it," Shinji pointed out, as if that should be obvious. Spending a week doing nothing but thinking about Kippei had at least made him very much aware that he spent a great deal of energy every day, without even realising it, just monitoring Kippei's thoughts. He hadn't even been aware of it. It was obviously one of the other Shinji's reflexive habits, but now that he was aware of it, Shinji made sure to check everything was okay...a damn lot. And it usually was not.

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because I was being stupid and selfish and made you upset and you couldn't sleep and got all worn out," Kippei said immediately, not realising that he was giving all the reasons he was mad at himself, which really had nothing to do with how Shinji might or might not feel.

Shinji blinked and sat up so he could look down and get a proper look at Kippei's face, which didn't look any different to normal, which made Shinji wonder why Kippei suddenly turned into a big fat chicken around him.

"You're not being selfish. I was your boyfriend and you used to do stuff with me all the time and now you can't. It's not selfish to want to do those things again. And it's not your fault if I liked what I was seeing so much I couldn't sleep. So stop feeling bad about yourself and go back to feeling sorry for yourself."

Kippei scowled at him, not liking the sound of either of those options. "Do you have any idea how frustrating you are?" he grumbled. "I'm not that patient, okay? I should be more patient with you and I'm just... I don't think it's selfish that I want to, it's selfish that I want to do them now. I'm not good at waiting." Not that he had any guarantee that Shinji was ever going to change his mind about this. Kippei bit his lip, looking away.

"I don't want to feel sorry for myself. But I damn sure feel sorry about something." That missing aching wanting grief that sometimes felt a little too near the edge of hopelessness, maybe that was feeling sorry for himself. He didn't know how to explain to Shinji why this was important, why it seemed like something more was missing than just a physical act of pleasure. He couldn't explain the connection involved, the way it was deeper than that. That it was what he missed, more than anything.

I know. God, did Shinji know. It was such a strong consensus in the underlying thoughts Kippei had that there was no way Shinji couldn't know. He wrapped his arms around Kippei, kissing his forehead, wishing there was something he could do other than attempt to delete all that want, and yet...there was something he could do. He could have sex, but he had to want it first or Kippei wouldn't do it, so that wasn't as easy as it seemed.

"I don't want to be frustrating. I want to be what you want."

Kippei didn't know whether to laugh or cry. That was kind of the whole problem, wasn't it?

"You are," he whispered. "You're exactly everything that I want. That's why it's so frustrating." And he felt like his hands were tied, completely unable to do anything about it without feeling like he was pushing Shinji into something he didn't want. Kippei refused to force him into anything--not because he didn't almost want to at this point, but because he wanted Shinji to want it too, and he had no idea how to go about doing that. Like Shinji said, how was he ever going to know he wanted it?

Shinji frowned and hid his face against Kippei's shoulder for a few minutes, taking deep breaths that smelt like Kippei and trying to think clearly. There had to be a solution but he was starting to realise it had to come from him. Kippei hadn't changed; it was Shinji who had changed and Shinji who had to learn enough to go back to being the same.

"That...porn...you were telling me about. Buy me some?"

Kippei stared at him in total shock. Buy him what? Damn. He couldn't remember Shinji ever being interested in that, not even before. Then again, maybe Kippei wouldn't have known about it.

"I... don't know if that's a good idea," he said doubtfully. Porn was hardly an accurate representation of sex in real life.

"Then buy me a book. Buy me something, and I'll read it, or a video and I'll watch it. I don't know anything Kippei. I know of it, but I don't get it. If I can read about it, or watch it, or something then I'll start to get it but even then I'll need to do it, but you won't let me do it until I want to, so give me something that will make me want to." Not that he didn't sort of want to already, having watched himself enough times in Kippei's dreams to wonder just what Kippei was doing that made him sound like that.

Kippei sighed, considering that. Shinji had a point, several good points in fact. He supposed that might work, but he still didn't think porn was the best way to do it.

"I'll think about it," he said finally. Some kind of a book, there must be. He'd have to see what he could find at the library--the thought made him cringe, but at this point he was desperate enough to try just about anything, no matter how embarrassing it was.

"Sex is embarassing?" Shinji frowned, because while he had thought it was messy and kind of gross, he had never thought it was embarassing. Well, apart from the whole wow you're naked in front of someone thing. That was definately embarassing, but Kippei apparently already knew every inch of his body, so what did that matter?

"Mmm...if it's not in front of other people I don't see how it's embarassing, but I guess if you have to ask other people about sex, that is sort of embarassing. Maybe I should ask Yuushi. Do you think he would get embarassed?"

"It's not that," Kippei grumbled at him. "It's embarrassing because... oh hell, never mind." He so wasn't explaining to Shinji that it was embarrassing to go check out a book like that when everyone would know that he didn't want it for himself, and it was infinitely more embarrassing than sex itself to have to admit that he needed help explaining it to his boyfriend.

"Don't you dare ask him! I'll get you a damn book, I swear." Maybe he would go into town and buy something at a bookstore where no one knew him.

Shinji blinked and shrugged.

"Okay." No asking Yuushi. Right. Shinji wondered what Kippei had against Yuushi, but didn't really want to know so left it alone. It wasn't like Kippei had to like people. Hell, he would probably be jealous if Kippei had lots of friends, but still. It was a little unnerving that he liked someone Kippei didn't.

Kippei felt bad immediately, for sounding so emphatically against one of Shinji's friends. Shinji wasn't really used to Kippei not liking his friends, and wouldn't know why.

"I never like your friends, Shinji," he said, trying to sound reassuring. "We don't get along, and we never have. I don't mind if you like them, though."

Shinji gaped now, pulling back and feeling horrible. Kippei didn't like any of them? Not one? Never did?

"But...I...Mm!" He winced, not wanting to say he liked them when that was obvious. That wasn't a good enough reason for Kippei to like them.

"Well...you make a friend, and I'll like them!"

Kippei laughed, petting his hair. "I don't need any friends. I have you." He didn't really feel the need for anyone else's company, and never had. Maybe that was why he didn't understand the way that Shinji seemed to like collecting friends. Kippei thought they were a waste of time. If he could be spending more time with his favorite person, why would he be interested in talking to anyone else?

Shinji listened to Kippei's reasoning, and sat there, stumped. It made sense. Shinji had no idea why he liked spending time with other people when he could be spending it with Kippei and he always missed Kippei when he was with other people.

"...Mmm, I think I just like eavesdropping on other people's lives." He did it by default anyway, it made sense that he enjoyed doing it deliberately too.

"That I am sure is entirely true," Kippei agreed, laughing again. He really didn't mind that Shinji had friends, he just didn't want to spend time with them or get to know them himself. He didn't care about them or want to. He cared about Shinji, deeply and fiercely and intensely, and that was all. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest way to live, but he liked it that way.

Shinji just stared at Kippei, listening avidly, stunned and amazed. He knew Kippei loved him; felt it every day. He knew Kippei adored him, and it was reinforced every time Kippei reached out and touched him. But the completeness in Kippei's attitud toward him; that single minded obsession was not something Shinji had ever paid much attention to. He did now, and it made it sink in a little, why Kippei wanted, no...needed that physical connection. If the world wasn't a physical thing, but a person, then...you would be like Kippei.

Well, shit. Shinji couldn't think of anything to say so he just stared.

Shinji was just kind of staring at him, and Kippei gave him a quizzical look, not certain what he'd said that might have earned him such a look. He'd just been agreeing with Shinji, so...

"What?" he asked, a little worried. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Shinji whispered, a slow smile creeping over his lips. He didn't mind. He didn't mind being Kippei's world at all. In fact, he liked that more than anything. He wanted, desperately, to be that. The only thing Kippei loved, or liked or wanted, or saw...the thing at the centre of his attention, always. He wanted Kippei to think, always, about him. And Kippei did. Kippei was the only person who did.

"No, everything's right. Everything is...exactly right." He smiled brightly, more brightly than he had since he woke up and met Kippei and learnt that he was Shinji. Because this was better than that. This was solid, where everything else was just air. He wrapped his arms tighter around Kippei and kissed him, hard and passionate, with everything he was, so full with delight he could think of no other way to let it out, nuzzling against Kippei's throat and ear, inhaling the scent of the ground. His ground.

"I love you," he whispered like it was a secret, because only Kippei had to know.

Kippei stared bemusedly at that little smile, wondering what the hell was going through Shinji's head, and then he forgot about it because the smile went incandescent and just about blinded him, and he was still too dazed when Shinji started kissing the hell out of him to do anything other than kiss back in shocked exhilaration. What the hell, indeed.

He could hardly breathe when Shinji let him go, and he almost missed the tiny whisper that explained everything. Almost, but he heard it, and then he couldn't breathe at all. He wrapped his arms tightly around Shinji and kissed his hair and his temple and just held him, feeling overwhelmed, closing his eyes against the sting of stupid glad tears. Shinji got it.